Polar Mythology

There are grown men and women, who have high school diplomas – or even further education – who honestly, actually believe that in reality there really is absolutely no such thing as global warming. Usually, these are the same real people walking around every day who truly believe dinosaurs never existed.

There is an instance I recall as a kid when I was still blissfully ignorant of these people. While a coastal Alaskan blizzard was wiping away any sign of life outside, I was protected inside a cedar house with the heat of a wood stove and the warm glow of the TV screen playing the movie The Land Before Time. In the beginning of the movie, there is a vague explanation of evolution. I remember my mom saying, “Some people don’t believe in that.” I thought my mom was full of shit. How could someone not believe that? It made perfect sense.

However, these people do exist. They walk among us and they are the majority in a lot of places. I believe in their existence, even though I don’t want to (a concept they will never understand). You can’t blame them really. We’re people and we generally will believe everything we are told, as long as it is from someone we think is higher up than us.

Well, golly shucks, if some stupid scientist tells us a myth of how some kind of magical substance called carbon is allowing more of the sun’s heat into the atmosphere, it sounds like bullshit. On the other hand, if a preacher, or a judge maybe, who of course has much more credibility than a scientist, told us Santa Claus was real, it would all make sense right? All he has to say is:

“Because the polar ice caps are melting , Santa Claus has been forced to establish workshops in the orient. The elves were furious about moving, but when they heard that dwarves were getting a lot of action from fairy tale chicks, most of them quit their jobs and moved to the forest. That’s okay for Mr. Claus though, because he has plenty of starving children who will make the toys for even less pay. This is why on Christmas morning, so many toys are labeled as being made in Japan, Korea, China, etc.”

It all makes sense doesn’t it? It all makes sense except for one part. This guy would have had everyone fooled if he didn’t have that bit about the polar ice caps melting. The polar ice caps aren’t melting. It would take global warming for that to happen and everyone knows global warming is a myth.

The ocean level rising along with temperatures is a big lie the scientists tell us to test our faith. You see, scientists are nothing more than Satan’s men on Earth. They’re the same people who started showing up with fossils. Where exactly did they get these fossils I might ask? They picked them up when no one was around.

Environmentalists are the worst. They want to save trees. Trees are our natural enemy, crowding up the planet, trying to take over, just like this guy with the Santa theory who is obviously a scientist in disguise! Burn him! Burn him with lots of trees and start the fire with gasoline, our most abundant, most clean resource. Right?