Welcome to the United States of America, Inc®.  Freedom© isn’t a right it’s a copyright.

Thinking about questioning the corporate government? Think again, publicly criticizing the government is punishable by credit blacklisting. Besides, who actually believes the government lies? Seriously, who? Please report to your local Blackwater Security® office if you know or suspect any person of such talk.

Need a job? Try Wal-Mart®, Pepsi®, Coca-Cola®, or Exxon®. They collectively employ more than 90% of America’s workforce. Deciding to try your hand in operating a small business? Well, don’t. It’s against the law. Why don’t you enlist in a corporate army? Pepsi® could use your help fighting Coca-Cola® in their war for exclusive product privileges in areas all around the country.

Those disease infested paper dollars of the past are no more. Plastic is the only option for transactions in this country. Can’t decide on what credit card you should use? It can’t be that hard! There’s only one company who can legally lend credit cards to American citizens. The Federal Reserve® will send out your card on your 10th birthday, and only charges 30% interest for the first 20 years! 20% for the remaining years of your life. An added bonus for audit protection come with the Federal Reserve Card™, automatic tax payment at the end of every quarter.

Assuming you came from an undeveloped country, it was probably an acceptable practice to grow your own food for yourself or for sale at a local market. In America, Inc® we care about our citizens health. Food grown in the natural soil of earth will cause many types of cancers for which there is no cure for. That’s why it is illegal to grow your own food, or anything for that matter, in this country. Leave it to McDonalds Farming, Inc® to provide you with all of your nutritional needs.

Remember, when writing an e-mail (if privileges are granted to you) or a letter, you must place an “©” after every letter. America, Inc® holds hundreds of patents on the English Langauge™. It’s probably safer to refrain from using written language at all, since every piece of mail sent in or out of the territory of America, Inc® is screened for your protection.

After an extensive study by a team of scientists hired by America, Inc®, education has been found to be the root of all problems. An aptitude test will be given to you and your children to see who qualifies for a safe and controlled education provided by the State™. Followed by successful graduation (if you qualify) you will work in the Science and Applied Knowledge Institute of America, Inc® until your services will no longer be required.

This concludes your new citizen orientation letter. Thank you for choosing America, Inc®

Proudly brought to you by Coca-Cola® Every new citizen qualifies for a free ten gallon drum of refreshing Coke™ every month for the first year of citizenry!

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