The Truth About Gay Marriage

            Lately I’ve been thinking. Thinking of a way to put an end to a horrid despicable, unmentionable, blasphemous crime before it gets too far out of hand or even worse, uncontrollable. I’m sure you’re wondering what sort of heinous act would cause me to lash out with such a verbose selection of adjectives. The unfortunate truth is that what I speak of has been happening for some time now all across the world. It makes my blood boil anytime I see those two words together in the same sentence. I hate the thought of it so much that I won’t even include them together or anything suggesting the gay population in this paper unless it’s separated by the word space. Yes, I’m talking about the ridiculous act of Gay space Marriage. Since 1988 Gay couples have been able to get married. This poisoning thought must be put to an end and that is why I have come up with a few solutions I feel will solve all of our Gay space Marriage problems.

            First of all it only makes sense that we have our own little holocaust right here in the United States of America. Yes, you heard me. Place a nice breadcrumb like trail of rainbows, mixed alcoholic beverages, tight shiny unnecessary clothing, a book on dog training, and all the necessary tools to fix a broken faucet right into the gates of what would soon be known as Gay Space Couple hell. Once all of the gay space couples have been detained the real fun begins. I only think it necessary to not spare any details in this necessary act to save all humanity.

First, we’re going to only have two colors allowed at this camp, Black and white. Flamboyant will not be a word to describe anything associated with anything in this camp except for the before photos of the couples, which I will keep on the bulletin board I have in my office. I will refer to these photos to monitor how well of an effect my camp is having.  Once the couples have spent a good six weeks in black and white they will be put through a series of horrible test in which their brains will be washed. Think of it as a modern version of 1984 by George Orwell. In these tests, the subjects will be forced to say and agree to questions and statements set by me. Some such questions a subject might be forced to answer are the following. Who sings Liza with a Z or What Melissa Etheridge song do you love to sing karaoke to? We will not accept any answer other than a trashy white nothing for both questions. After 6 more weeks of de-gaying everyone in our camp we will debate whether we feel it necessary to let them back in the general population. If we feel they should be let out we’ll take their after pictures, send them on their way, post their before and after pictures on billboards for the entertainment of the normal people and smile because were stopping pollution.