You Silly Faggot

I am gay.  I thought for a long time that I was bisexual, but thinking on that now, I believe that was a cop-out on my part.  I love women, they’re great.  But, to me, nothing more than wonderful friends and colleagues.  This is not huge, life-altering news for anyone.  I realize that.  But, it is something that has plagued my life growing up.  I just recently (around this time last year) came out to my best friend, in a round-about sort of way.  But I don’t think I posed a convincing argument.  I probably just seemed “confused”; and to be honest, I was.  Extremely.  Around summer time I went on this “binge” of telling certain people.  I felt like I owed some kind of explanation to them.  My martial arts instructor, my sisters, my friends…

Each of them, for which I am exceedingly grateful, said the same thing: “Ian, we love you for who you are.  We accept you.”  –  I don’t think I ever expected them not to accept me, you know?  I would have been incredibly depressed had they said anything different.

However, the point of this blog is not to “come out” of the closet (so to speak) – I’ve already done that once.  It’s to let people know of the pain that “we” (gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders, etc.) feel when we realize that we are so different from everyone else in society…  Frankly, I do not believe we are that much different from everyone else.  We’re still people.  But THAT is what the people who hate on ‘us’ need to realize.  We have feelings.  We bleed red.  We hurt.  We love.  We eat.  –  Just the fact that we have to put ourselves into a “sexual category”… such as the SGLBT, pisses me off.  It’s ridiculous.

We wouldn’t put straight males into a category such as this: Guys who love – red heads, blonds, brunettes… and a subcategory: Those who enjoy – blacks, whites, asians, etc…  Would we?

I cannot speak for the majority of my “kind” (god, I sound like I’m talking about a species of monkey!), but I will say that, for me, I grew up hearing (and believing) this:

I’m going to go to hell when I die.
I’m a “faggot”.
I should have my head kicked in, for feeling the way I do.
I deserve to die.

Many of us have heard countless things like this before.  Do we say anything about them?  We just let things like this continue.  It’s not right.

If there IS a “God”, and he/she/it created every living (and nonliving) being on this planet, and all the thoughts and feelings that accompany it… doesn’t that mean he created us too?  Are we not equal?

And, I am not suggesting we need pitying.  I, personally, do not expect (or WANT) anyone’s pity.  We don’t need SYMPATHY.  We need EMPATHY!

I hated myself.  Not my sexuality.  I hated MYSELF, growing up.  From the age of ten or eleven… to just last year.  It bubbled just under the surface.  Just far enough away where no one could see it.  Not even the ones that I love.  Until, I could not take it anymore.  I have had plenty of other things happen to me in my life that are much worse in comparison to having to come out to my family and friends, and to myself (which is much worse, believe me).  But, none of it compares to how shitty I felt when I would hear people talk about the “dirtiness” and “sinfulness” of who I am.

You’re probably thinking “I don’t need lecturing on tolerance, Ian.  Please…”  But, if you’re listening, it’s not tolerance that I’m looking for.  It’s equality.  It’s the feeling that I am not worthless, and that I do not deserve to die.  That I am just a normal guy, with normal feelings.  And, that I am allowed to love whomever I want, without having to worry what the young man behind me is thinking when I’m walking around in the park with my partner.

Thanks for reading, but don’t take this with a grain of salt; in one ear and out the other.  There are MILLIONS of people feeling just like this… and hundreds of thousands who have taken their LIVES over it.  –  Just because I controlled my feelings of depression and suicide… does not mean that someone close to you will do the same.

Hey… what the heck do I know, right?  I’m just a silly faggot.