A handy guide on how to get over on the "man".
Are you tired of the everyday work grind? If you’re tired of getting up at 6 a.m., taking a crowded train/bus/covered wagon, staring at a computer screen with no idea of what you are supposed to be doing…maybe it’s time for early retirement. If you say, “I’m too young to retire” or “there are no retirement benefits at McDonald’s”, you are being silly. There is hope for all the over-worked and the over-stressed.
Stress from work is a mental illness. If you have a mental illness, you have a disability. If you have a disability, obviously you can’t work. If you can’t work, you can receive benefits from the government each and every month for the rest of your life (or until you get better). Why work when you can sit back, relax, and receive Social Security Disability Benefits!
It’s really your money.
If you look closely at your meager paycheck, you’ll see a great many deductions. You have been technically paying yourself in advance for years. Why wait until you are 65 to enjoy it?
The Feds make it very easy to apply.
All you have to do is fill out some paperwork. Feel too lazy, stupid or crazy to fill out pesky forms? No problem! There are loads of liberal community groups that will assist you. They will even help you pin down what kind of crazy you happen to be. All of this won’t cost you a dime.
Your life would be better spent at home.
You’ve spent years collecting videos, magazines, books, newspapers and other junk but thanks to working, you didn’t have time to effectively peruse your awesome collection. If you retire, you’ll have all the time in the world you’d need. You can get up at noon (if at all). You can keep abreast of all the relevant comments on today’s society via “The Maury Show”. You can view “YouTube” and send the links to your friends to make sure they keep up with the latest cute kitten videos. You can sit at the park and watch that creepy guy play chess. You can even write the next great American novel (okay, forget that one; it sounds too much like work).
“How can I get away with this?”
I guess you’re wondering if this process is legal. It all depends on your definition of “legal”. Below are some of the “legal” ways you can ensure you get what’s coming to you:
Don’t go to your regular doctor; see a “Specialist”.
Your local “Specialist” is the doctor in the poorest neighborhood in your city. He/She needs to have a medical degree preferably from a country other than the United States or an online medical school.
Start wearing a lot of black (and other zany behavior).
Sometimes, there are pesky road blocks to you free monthly money. Someone might say, “You don’t look crazy to me.” Start dressing “crazy”. Wear all black, including lipstick (even if you are a guy). Shave your head (ala Britney Spears). Start saying random things at inappropriate times, in a different accent (again, ala Britney Spears). Soon, even you’ll start to think you’re crazy.
It’s a well known fact: crazy people stink. So, if you skip a week’s worth of showers, you don’t have to do anything else; people will think you’re crazy as soon as they smell you.
“Are you serious?”
For some reason, I get that question a lot. I could lie to you and say no: because anything published on the internet has been researched thoroughly and is 100% accurate. The government won’t just let anyone put whatever they want online. Our government protects us. Yeah, Government!