The highlight of the squabble over the expenses paid out to MPs in Britain came yesterday, when the Tory leadership announced that its members will have to pay back the amounts defrauded from the taxpayer. I was looking forward to the lists of payments that would be published, but so far, these lists are a joke in themselves.

Instead of the millions that have been fraudulently claimed, the famous list amounts to a few thousand pounds. What a lark! Obviously, the joy of reading what for these claims had been made was unhampered by the ridiculous amounts mentioned: Repairing the pipes on a tennis court seemed almost sensible compared to cleaning out a moat; claiming for chocolate bars seems only human compared to Pedigree Pal. But in fact, the list just shows that even in repairing fraud, the fraud goes on.

It is high time the rules were changed. Instead of just handing out cash to all and sundry (and that’s all this country seems to be good at), a few simple rules could save a lot of troubles. By answering a few simple questions, the basic needs can be quite easily established. Question one: How many persons is an MP? The answer obviously is one, so does anybody need more that a one bedroom flat? That means the upper limit of all housing expense is about £600 a month, that’s the rent you pay for a flat in Greater London.

What extra costs does an MP incur as opposed to other employees? None; he eats for one, cooks for one, showers for one, no matter where he does it. And as telephone bills, transport costs, and other like items are not repaid to any employee, so neither should they be paid to someone not really working, but lollybagging it in a seat in parliament. Apart from sitting in session, the MP has nothing to do that costs any money, and if he does, that’s his decision.

If someone wants to spend more, that’s his personal decision and has nothing to do with his job. And if somebody is rich enough to buy a flat or house in London, then obviously the taxpayer may be thankful to that person for saving the £600 extra payouts from tax money.

As MPs are grossly overpaid compared to the little that is asked of them, there are things that need to be changed urgently in the paying system. MPs should only be paid for the time they are present in the debates, not for boycotting the sessions. This could easily be made possible by chipping them, as MPs are nothing more than pets in a country that pretends to have a democracy. The chip would record the time they spend in session, and for every minute they would be paid one and a half pence; that equals £9 per hour, a more than adequate payment for a brainless job.

Obviously, MPs who are permanently absent would also lose the rent allowance. It would cut out the terrorist conmen from Sin Fein to bag it big for doing nothing. If MPs would lose their seats for not attending more than half the debates in a week, most of them would have to be replaced within the first month of their tenure.

Read the prequel: London Diary (3)