Spying for Dummies
by How to be a Spy and not get caught. James Bond on a Budget.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spy
Over the last few weeks we have seen a massive Spy ring collapse in the United States. Now a handover has happened, we should see what they did wrong so you can have years of hassle free Spying.
1. Don’t post on Facebook
I know it’s tempting when you’ve just done something really cool to post it on the Internet. “LOL I’ve just downed three pints”, “I just bungee jumped” “I just received a nuclear trigger system in a clandestine meeting with a North Korean Connection.” Do you think that was wise? The first rule of spying is don’t talk about it. The second rule of spying is YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT IT! That includes the Internet!
2. Brush up on your Spy craft.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clandestine_HUMINT
When you are passing over money for a secret operation. Make sure you don’t lose it. Practice burying the money in your back garden and marking it with secret symbol. If your partner is willing, practice with them when you have a few free minutes. The Russian spies lost their money. Enough said.
3. Don’t admit it.
When you’re caught, don’t admit it. The worst thing a spy can do is say “I’m a spy”. It’s a self negating comment. As soon as you say it, you’re just a pathetic wannabe. On a similar note, don’t flaunt it. If are inclined to buy James Bond’s car, don’t show off the gadgets in the street. Living in the suburbs was a smart move made by all those Russian spies. Who would expect James ‘Burb?
4. Practice the Accent.
Don’t go into a meeting pretending to be an Billy Joe, but sounding like Boris. If you can’t make your accent better, best to pretend to be the strong silent type who listens really really well.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accent_%28linguistics%29
If you still get caught as a spy after following these simple steps, I’m sorry, you just didn’t have the natural ability for it. I’m sure Siberia is lovely this time of year!
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