4Th of July Annoyances

The end of June is approaching fast, and around the bend is the 4th of July.  A momentous, joyous occassion for families across the United States.  And why wouldn’t it be? Well, for many reasons–that’s why.  
In lieu of counting on my fingers and toes all of the “fantabulous” things associated with the 4th of July, I’m going to count on all of your fingers and toes (because that’s how many I’ll need) all of the things that’s wrong with it. It should be noted, also, that the following list (completely listed in order of my level of hatred for them) in no way is meant to be castigating to any reader that may stumble upon this article–that is never my intention.  

The burnt smells, the food, the weather, the fireworks, the clothes, the people that call you un-American

5.) The Weather – This may seem like a trivial thing to dislike on one certain day; and sure, it would probably be a fair assessment to say that I’m over-analyzing.  But what can you do? I dislike the weather.  No matter where you live–be it the drunk tundra of Wisconsin or the sweltering, blistering beaches of California–it’s ALWAYS hot that day.  It’s as if the sun is more American than I, and he is proud to show it.  Or he is trying to outblast the fireworks. Either way, it’s freakin’ hot. Throw in the fact that the majority of the day is spent outside playing some redneck variation of football next to a flaming grill or bonfire and you’re getting temperatures easily topping 115. Of course, many would say this is a great time for swimming; but we all know swimming only leads to

4.) Sunburns – Ouch.  More need not be said, but it’s going to be said anyways. Sunburns are never fun, and it seems the worst ones are always obtained on this amazing holiday. The peeling? The water blisters? The skin cancer? No one likes sunburns, really. But I chose to include it on this list because A, it was on a whim, and for B, I really, really dislike it.  Some can throw that cup’s-half-full crap on it: “I’m gonna get such a good tan, girl!”  But honestly? I’d rather pay for a spray-on tan.  Looks the same; less pain; easily applied. Also, no tan lines!

3.) The Clothes – I’m not un-American.  I’ll say that once more because reiteration really, really drills things into today’s public.  I’m not un-American.  But red, white, and blue just aren’t… anyone’s color scheme.  It’s almost like wearing green and red–another “Wtf?” color scheme.  And I find it fascinating that all-year round I never seen that blend of colors, and then on this one day it’s coming out of the woodwork.  Nevermind that it is absolutely not flattering on anyone on Earth–people are wearing it like they’re getting paid for it.  So, so much red, white, and blue.

2.)  The Food – This one is completely, 100%-ly an opinion. Not many dislike brats, hotdogs, apple pie, and hamburgers, but somehow I do it well.  I hate all of them, and anything associated with them, like the smells.  The smell of burning charcoal and greasy, greasy meat in the air is–I would think–enough to make anyone yak.  But I’m guessing not?  It’s just too much meat, isn’t it?! There’s almost more meat than there is red, white, and blue outfits and drunks.  It’s all so intense, and it’s not something I’m fond of.  I’ll stay in doors and eat my sushi, thank you. 

1.) The – I meet one person for every 2.4 million people that agree with me on this, but I HATE fireworks. I mean, I absolutely detest them. The “colors,” the burnt smell they leave, but, most of all, I hate the dang loud noise! I don’t see how everyone finds going deaf to be as much fun as they do.  In my opinion, that short three seconds of colorful light isn’t worth that BLAM in your right ear right before it shoots off.  And you always have that cumbersome, drunk cousin who thinks it’s cool to shoot it in your direction and catch you on fire.  The neighborhood is always littered with debris afterwards that for some reason grown adults off for the holiday can’t be bothered with picking up. I can’t stand fireworks, and they’re really, really what ruins this holiday for me.  And also New Years, if you’re thinking about asking. 

I hope you enjoyed reading my list.  I was incredibly inspired at the beginning, and then, as I went on, I lost it.  If you felt that, I apologize.  And, in my next article, I will try to be up to par.  Until then, enjoy your 4th of July! I know I won’t!