A Guide to Spending Valentine’s Day Alone

Many of these ideas will be gender specific, many won’t.  One thing that will be consistent is your misery.  Haha!

Well first things first: Valentine’s Day is on a Saturday this year.  That means 24 entire hours dedicated to the love that you don’t have.  You’ll wake up with little more to do than to dwell on the fact that your friends have important things to do today while you’ll spend it in your pajamas watching the Full House marathon on TV. 

You’re going to want to fill that void, else you might realize that even Uncle Joey has a better chance at love than you do.  So here’s a list of five simple methods to pass away the day:

1. Drink Way Too Much Get Completely Wasted

This is one of those occasions where even your Pastor won’t get mad at you for getting drunk.  He’s already married, which is probably the only reason he’s not doing it himself.  So what you’re going to want to do is learn to chug a beer really, really fast.  It’s never too early to start, either.  In fact, before going to bed on Friday night, you’re going to want to put one or two on your bedside table.

2. Practice Crying

You’re going to cry anyways.  You might as well call it practice.

3. Prank Call Happy People

Since you’re not having a good time, no one else should get to either.  Just about everyone that’s not you is having a wonderful day, so you’re going to want to ruin that for them.  This will be more fun if there’s no repercussions; try to harass people you don’t know.  This option works particularly well if you’re completely wasted. 

4. Fill the Void With Food

Hamburgers and ice cream will love you even if nobody else does.  That feeling you get just before getting disgustingly full?  That’s called contentment.  Other people don’t need to gorge themselves to enjoy the day, but you do.  So stock up on the Hot Pockets.

5. Just “Be”

You’re alone now and you know it.  Just go ahead and pretend it’s any other day.  Frankly, you should probably have just pretended it was Christmas.  You could have went out and bought yourself some presents to open up in the morning to simulate that feeling of a happy holiday. 

Sorry to say it, but these are probably your best options.  The only real advice I can give you, is that you better start playing the lottery.  While this may not make you rich enough to buy happiness, at least you can fake it well enough that someone might marry you for your money.

Happy Valentine’s Day!