Christmas has been hectic at Sister’s house. With all the younguns getting underfoot and just being full of meaness, it ain’t been easy. My nerves is so strung out I could bounce off the ceiling, and y’all know Sister, she flounces around like she’s got ants in her pants and don’t give a dad gum if she gives me a heart attack. I said, Sister you have got my nerves so strung out I can hear them thrum, and Sister snaps back, you better watch out lightning don’t strike you down for being ugly to your sister. Now wouldn’t that just make you want to snatch somebody bald headed?
Children, Christmas is over and I’m glad. You might think I’m just an old curmudgeon for saying such, but you don’t have to put up with Sister. I’m so tard I can’t hardly drag one foot in front of tother. Me and Sister had to get dinner ready for the whole blooming family. Now that wouldn’t be so bad if our family wasn’t as touchous as a nest of hornets. Guthrie and Roy have tried their best to stay out of the way. I feel kinda sorry for them old boys for having to put up with me and sister and all the family. But they ain’t always a picnic either and we still put up with their foolishness. I tell Roy, Roy I say, there ain’t no quicker way to bring the devil to your door than begrudging your kin folk.
Well honey, we duded Sisters house up to a fair-the-well and cooked, honey we cooked till we was ready to drop. We roasted turkey, we baked ham, we cooked cakes, we baked pies, and vegetables, honey we cooked pots of them. We had vittles running out of our ears. Brother was in his element. He come swaggering in just like always. He said, Sister are you sure you got enough food for this crowd? Sister give him one of them old go to hell looks and said, Brother if they ain’t enough food here, you can take them all over to your house and feed them. That shut Brother up purty quick. He wasn’t about to take nobody to his house. But Brother is a good old boy. He does like to cut his monkey shines and it tickles the fire out of him to needle Sister.
Uncle Bud and Aunt Almer brung a whole passel of their grandkids. Sister told me to set up a couple of folding tables on the porch for all the kids. She wasn’t about to have them around the main table, and honey I was glad. I did want to get a plate of food myself. I was gettin hungry. We was so busy getting everything ready I hadn’t had time to grab a bite. My stomach was grumbling something terrible.
Uncle Buford and Aunt Fannie was giving everybody the evil eye. They are persnickety. You do have to be careful what you say when they are around. They belong to the Holiness church and honey, you can’t hardly open your mouth without them calling you down. Sometimes they make me so mad I could spit. Sister has to hide all her magazines and turn the TV to the wall or they will be giving her a lecture. Of course they give us all a lecture anyway. They are afraid we are all going to hell in a hand basket. Uncle Bud told me he was afraid I wasn’t going to heaven with him. I patted the pore old feller on the back and told him not to worry, that I was going the same place he did.
Now Brother’s kids are just like mine and Sister’s but you’d never guess it at Christmas. Brother says there’s more ways than one to skin a cat. I think he threatens to take all their Santa Claus back if they cut any didoes. Brother is as wise as a tree full of owls, I’ll give him that. Sometimes he can’t help but knock the wind out of Sister’s sails and honey it just makes my day. Sister’s always in need of being brought down a peg or two. But like I said, I am glad this Christmas if over. The next thing will be Sister wanting to drag me to town to shop for after Christmas bargains and honey, I ain’t a goin.
Tulan’s Sister stories: