Holiday Survival Tips

As I am sure everyone has noticed, and I wish that I didn’t, we are in the midst of the holiday season, and I decided that it might benefit the rest of humanity if I shared some of my own survival tips that have helped salvage the tattered remnants of my sanity.

1. Drinking copious amounts of scotch seems to mute annoying relatives, especially those who do not drink because they have alcohol problems. This also leads to another benefit of the same relatives finally leaving your house, because you drink too much. After three days, however, uninvited house-guests need to be gotten rid of and the means to this end may as well involve intoxication.

2. Now that the relatives are finally gone you should be able to drink if you chose, or you may simply bask in the warm embrace of silence that has eluded you while in their presence. The point is: your house is yours again.

3. The reason why you may need to take a brief respite from drinking is the compulsion to perpetuate the silly tradition of purchasing gifts for people out of a sense of obligation. This is likely due to the copious amounts of scotch undermining your ability to think logically… You are still at the mall wavering in a cloud of perfume trying to think what you should do. Now my first inclination was to buy something for someone, but on second thought maybe that isn’t such a great idea. If you bought something for the relatives that you just got rid of then they might want to visit again, so it might be better not to get them anything. Perhaps you should buy something for a co-worker? Again, that might lead to the retention of a job that you really do not want. So what you do is turn around and run as fast as you can to your car then you drive as fast as you can to the airport. You purchase a plane ticket to somewhere warm where English is not the native language. Fleeing to Mexico seems the best option.

4. When relatives call your cell phone, whatever you do, do not answer it. Send them a letter on torn, partially burned paper explaining that you are in Mexican prison and need $5000 to get out. If they actually send you the money, all the better, you can extend your vacation. If they don’t, you have a built in reason to not speak to them again, avoiding the need for further holiday survival tips.