Sober Holidays: An Oxymoron?

“Sober holidays.”  I used to think that was an oxymoron.  Heck, my most memorable – and forgettable – drunks occurred around and during the holidays.  I don’t remember why or when that dismal trend began, but somewhere in my 30 years of drinking, I began to loath the holidays.  Like the proverbial chicken-vs.-egg dilemma, I am not sure which came first: my drinking or hating the holidays.  But the two eventually melded and became indistinguishable.  It was not because I had some horrendous childhood experience at Christmas or that I didn’t get a pony when I was 10 years old (I wanted a horse, actually, but that’s beside the point).  All I can remember is that I dreaded the holidays, and that was as good as an excuse as any to drink.  And drink I did – usually to a blackout … or two  … or three …

 I hit my first “bottom” on December 25, 1995, when I had made an ass out of myself, yet again, by drinking too much.  The most profound moment of that holiday was not found in family, food, or fun, as I suppose it should have been.  Nope – the most pronounced part of that day was when I “came to” on my sister’s couch with my mother sitting in front of me, sobbing (she never cries) and saying, “You’re killing yourself!”  Not exactly the Currier and Ives holiday portrait.  It was that day that I first admitted – blubbered, to be honest – that I had a drinking problem and that I needed help.  I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous the next morning, shaking from alcohol withdrawal, humiliation, and remorse. 

I would like to say that I stayed sober from that day on, but unfortunately, relapse is part of my story.  And sadly, I have had a few of them.  I don’t fault the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for my slips – not at all.  Neither was it because I suddenly believed that I had been “cured” of alcoholism, nor did I come to some stark revelation that I simply was not an alcoholic (a thorough Step One forever sealed that immutable fact).  No, the truth is that every time I “went out” it was because I had let up on the spiritual side of the program.  I have had the humble privilege of having my sponsor take me through the 12 Steps again during this past year and help me reconnect with my Higher Power. 

Alas, I am a “newbie” again (12/08/08), and if there’s anything that I have learned in this past year, it has been to cultivate gratitude.  Be grateful and don’t drink – no matter what.  And, as I have heard an old-timer repeatedly say in my home group, “Life is a series of ‘no matter what’s’.”

I do not have any sage advice about staying sober through the holidays – I respectfully defer to the old-timers for that.  And, as a matter of fact, I still dread the holidays … and perhaps I always will.  But today I know that a drink is not going to make them go away nor make them any more palatable (quite the contrary, I’m sure).  And God, with his persistent sense of humor, saw fit to give me two children, both of whom have a feverish fascination with Christmas.  Little do they know that they, along with my fiancé, my sponsor, and fellow AA’s, help to keep me on the “don’t drink and be grateful no matter what” track.  God willing, my plan this holiday season is to stay on track … 24 hours at a time.