Twenty Resolutions Your Family are Unlikely to Keep

Image via Wikipedia

Image via Wikipedia

The New Year is upon us. Time to make some new resolutions.  Here are twenty resolutions that you and your family may find difficult to keep:

1.   I will win the fifty million dollar lottery this coming year.

2.   I will clean the clutter in my basement that has been piling up for over thirty years. 

3.   I will finally learn to how to play Bridge.  Of course, I’m still trying to figure out how to play Old Maid.

4.   I will behave like a human being to my mother-in-law no matter how many times she insults me.

5.   I will finally read a book other than comic books.  I promise that the book will not have any pictures in it.

6.   I will eat spinach for the first time and like it.  Of course, if my dog would like to have a bite or two than that would be okay with me.

7.   I will actually study for an exam and not try to just fake it.

8.   I will put the toilet seat down after I have gone to the bathroom.

9.   I will not make strange sounds emanating from my butt.

10. I will not snore like a horse in bed.

11. I will not forget my wife’s birthday, anniversary, and any other important occasion.

12. I will not call my neighbor an idiot even if I think that he is.

13. I will not cheat at poker.  Of course, I never cheat at poker. (wink, wink)

14. I will never be late to class. 

15. I will be late to class, but I will have a damn good excuse.

16. I will not sing in the shower.  I’ll just sing in the bedroom instead.

17. I will help do the laundry. I’ll put the detergent in the washing machine.

18. I will not remark that my husband’s head looks like an eight ball in the corner pocket.

19. I will not scream in my sister’s ear.  Of course, I’ll still step on her foot from time to time.

20. I will be truthful, kind, generous, and hard working. Wait a minute, I read that from a fortune cookie. Delete this resolution at once.