Valentine’s Day Gift Reminders for Men
A list of humorous guidelines for men in choosing Valentine’s Day gifts.
As we approach another Valentine’s Day it is important to remember that as men, we are bound by the commercially exploitive expectations of our consumer oriented society to do something special for the women in our lives on this most treasured of holidays. This year, however, we will all face much more difficult challenges in trying to convey our deepest emotions to our loved ones while not being forced to cash in our 401(k) (or what’s left of it) to pay for it. In these uncertain economic times many a cash-strapped gentleman will undoubtedly, for the first time, attempt to think of something unique to do for his special lady on his own.
Such a dangerous proposition calls for careful consideration, which is why we have compiled the following reminders to help these poor souls. While not a list of gift ideas, these guidelines should help these fellows to show that they are not complete buffoons when it comes to showing their emotions.
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Beef jerky is not a suitable alternative to fancy chocolate. While there might be parts of Oklahoma where this rule does not hold, for the vast majority of women beef jerky does not hold the same allure as chocolate wrapped in what must be gold plated aluminum foil based on the fact that it costs as much as the tires on my car. Keep in mind, there has never been a movie about the romantic effects of beef jerky on women.
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Animal House is not a romantic movie. As a budget conscious consumer you might be considering a romantic evening at home with your lady, snuggled up on the couch watching a movie together. If your tastes, and your wallet, lead you in this direction, it is important to be careful in the choice of your cinematic entertainment. While at other times she might love your taste in movies, now is not the time for a show about college debauchery and adulterous behavior. Other things to avoid in the movie you choose: explosions, bodily noises, decapitations, superpowers, fight scenes (unless over a woman), and anything involving sports. Things to look for in a movie include lots of crying and an obscene amount of dialogue.
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A vacuum cleaner does not say “I love you”. On the contrary, the message this gift says is “I’d love you to be a better house servant”. In fact, household appliances are never a good Valentine’s Day gift. It is believed that this rule applies to nearly 99.9% of all women. The exception reportedly being a dozen or so women on a remote island village off the coast of New Guinea that would love to be given a toaster for Valentine’s Day. It should be noted, however, that this village does not even have electricity so we are not really sure what that is all about. Returning to our topic, it has to be considered practically suicidal to give a gift that reminds her of ways she can better serve you on a day that, for some crazy reason, she believes is supposed to be about her.
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