You Better Watch Out. Why Santa Claus is a Pedophile

Is there not something wrong with that picture?  How about when kids go on his lap and he says “Have you been a good boy/girl?” and “Tell Santa what you want for Christmas”.  He even asks for their names so he can “check his list” How is that not creepy?  Why is he still around? I’m getting all this from just one freakin’ carol.  What if I took apart “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”.  Great, now he’s a pedophile AND an adulterer.  

On top of all that, he’s got a convenient unknown location in the north pole.  A pedophile’s dream.  No matter how sick you are, you’re out of anyones jurisdiction except maybe Interpol’s.  But they don’t believe in Santa. 

I can just imagine Santa sitting there with a sonar rig just like Batman had in The Dark Knight.  After all, he has the time to plant a camera or cellphone in every house he visits.  If not one, then several.  That’s how he knows when you’re awake!  

What about the vertically challenged helpers of his? (Elves doesn’t cut it anymore.  You have to be politically correct nowadays) Wake up people! They’re children! It’s like his little trophy collection.  All the poor little bastards who were dumb enough to catch him leaving gifts under the tree.  He can’t afford to be seen, so that’s what you get kids.  Besides, children make way better toy makers than little people do.  After all, children know best what children want.  

So kudos to all you parents out there who refuse to load your kid up with Santa crap.  Because keeping track of all the children in the world, kidnapping them, and breaking and entering is never cool EVEN ON CHRISTMAS EVE and EVEN if it’s an old fat ass who could probably get his ass kicked just by going down your chimney.  The old ones are the worst. Case and point: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1eNDIioyx8

Have a safe and happy holiday. You better watch out. 

*The real story behind why Santa’s suit is red

http://www.thecoca-colacompany.com/heritage/cokelore_santa.html