Against Marriage

Ah, and there is yet another constraint. That is, how many people should be wed? Should it be just one man and one woman? But if one man and one woman wed, surely one man and two women can wed? Or two women and one man? Or three men and three women? Or perhaps just a dozen men marry each other? Damn! The lines of marriage are so fine that we will never be able to extricate ourselves from this mess.

Marriage should be illegal because we can never define to what extent it should be allowed.

Sexual Activities

This is perhaps the most deplorable of them all! Sexual activities!? There’s a reason it’s a social taboo, even though every animal in the universe fornicates, and that is because our children need innocent and pure ears.

What a man and a woman do in the bedroom is none of my business. It became my business, however, when I realized that my parents were married. How? Because they are one of the many people in the United States who are married. And that marriage spills over into elementary schools.

That’s right. Because everyone out there is having sex and getting married, I learned about sex in sixth grade for a “sexual education” unit. Let me tell you right now that I was far too innocent at that time. The penis and the vagina are two disturbingly lewd body parts that no individual should ever even know about until they are at least twenty-five.

No, heterosexual education should not have been taught in my elementary school. It should never have been taught, because it is with that education that children begin to practice lewd activities! No boy ever knew of a girl’s vagina until that class! And even with hearing about it, they knew nothing until they experimented. Experimented! They became heterosexual because of experiments, not because of some natural desire for one another! What happened was the boy and the girl were bored to death one day, and they recalled their sexual education class, and they decided to see how the penis and vagina actually fit together, and how it actually worked.

Thus, two people don’t fall in love because they’re actually in love. Two people fall in love because they’ve experimented with each other.

It’s because of marriage. If my parents were never married, I would never have been scarred for life by those video tapes. And believe me, I was very scarred.

Think about it, though. If heterosexual marriage were not allowed, our children wouldn’t have to learn about sex! Certainly, couples wouldn’t be stripping down naked in the Denny’s where I’m having breakfast, as they are wont to do, if they weren’t married. After all, it is only married couples who make out in public places.

And if only married couples make out in public places, the question then becomes, “Why are there so many marriages in high school today?”

Conclusion

It’s a simple conclusion, really. Don’t get married. If you know any couples who are married, tell them to stop it, because even if they love each other (which they probably don’t), it’s unfair for them to be able to call themselves “married” or to reap governmental benefits. Furthermore, their marriage stands as a symbol of confusion. Marriage is a confusing topic, and the union between a man and a woman could easily extend to the union between a man and a chair. Their marriage should be struck down, and they should remove the bands of idiocy from their fingers. Finally, marriage should never be allowed, because they corrupt our children, and our children can never learn about sex (and especially not about contraceptives!) until some ripe old age.

Don’t marry. You’ll screw the whole government up.