If we were to ban Earth girls from entering these contests we would be doing humanity out of an important bargaining chip in the realm of intergalactic negotiation. Fact: a human has won Miss Universe each and every year since its inception, despite pressure from the multi-mouthed Octo-vamps of Cassiopeia-8. Think about how that plays out when the space aliens are (yet again) threatening us with annihilation. Imagine Nixon facing off against some bug eyed monster. Sure, you can lay waste to our cities, he’s saying, unfurling a glossy poster. But would you annihilate… this? Before belittling the winners of these contents, remember that if Hollywood teaches us nothing else it’s that these winners are the most likely to find themselves being swept away into interstellar space by little green men, doing their bit for humanity without ever once letting the glossy smile slip.

What’s more, aside from the large scale importance of the beauty contest, it is also acts as a microcosm of our whole existence, a valuable tool in our learning. For what is it to be a human but to be in a beauty contest of sorts? Was it not for the contests human beings would still be bottom-sucking proto-amoeba cruising around in the primordial ooze. And as for beauty, well we know that it goes far beyond being mainly skin deep. Yes, while some will no doubt argue that the beauty contest teaches our children that it is what is on the outside that counts, these people forget the importance of the skill round and the ever popular “If I were President” round. No beauty contest winner can get by without a special talent, even if it goes no further than being able to butter up the judge. How could we ban something that so defines us?

So I say, give us our contests. And let he not judge who has himself not yet been judged. Thank you.