Every year, in the weeks before schools reopen after summer holidays, I open the newspaper to see stories of how to bully proof a child, or how to recognize if your child has been a victim of bullying. I honestly do not recall seeing so much attention being placed on preventing children from becoming bullies, or how to recognize if a child is a bully.

As a victim I fully accept that bullying is normal, we see it among all other animals, chickens, dogs, and rats, although it is certainly less common in many species especially when not kept in crowded conditions like humans live in. I even see it in adults, we set examples for our children by talking negatively about another persons appearance or clothing.

I see women belittle men behind their backs (usually their husbands), supposedly upstanding church people belittling those not of their church. Fully grown men calling people on their favorite team losers if they lost a game, or kicking their dog because the dog messed on the carpet while waiting to get let outside. The list goes on as we adults set clear examples that bullying is okay.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sis/431811019/

Above is an everyday example of adult bullying.

I once had the comment written in my grade six yearbook “To the kid who was never mean to anyone…”, this is probably why I was the target of bullies, I never dealt it back. Still it saddens me that our society on the whole sees my actions as wrong, telling kids to stand up for themselves, rather than tackling the problem of so many people raising children to be bullies.

Where does bullying start? Well I already mentioned some of it presumably is learned by watching parents speak negatively of others, or listening to them making fun of others. Thus setting the example of “that which is different, is a target”. Indeed some bullies are witnesses to domestic violence, it is the only thing they know. Some themselves are bullied by their parents, or older siblings, and are lashing out, looking for their place in the world.

I suspect bullying cases increase in percentage where populations are more concentrated, which in today’s world, is pretty much everywhere. Studies have show rates of such things occur in rats when their populations climb too. 

Teachers, and the school system are often held to blame, but the only contributing factor is that they place large number of kids together, making bullying easier. I can attest that bullying does happen out of school, on playgrounds, at parties, in homes, even small groups of friends might have a member of their group that they bully on occasion, as was my experience. In fact I do not remember as much bullying happening to myself on school grounds as it did elsewhere. I cannot say for sure if the teachers were even aware that I was a victim, or who were the bullies. Some of the things that I endured where hideous.    As a girl most of it was demoralizing humiliation, as opposed to physical violence that boys often endure. 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/trixer/3531445744/

The picture is clearly staged, the bully would usually have more kids on his side than the victims. 

I do believe more attention needs to be focused on the bullies, and directed at parents. I suspect many parents would rather have kids who are bullies rather than victims, we place so much emphasis on being winners, don’t we? I think most parents would rather have their kids make fun of others, than be the one being made fun of, after all, isn’t that the example we set? As long as their child is not the one who goes too far, but let us remind ourselves of the Columbine shooting, in which the victims took steps to fight back.

Bully proofing a child should also mean not raising a kid to be a bully.  The media could do a better job of informing people on how not to raise a bully.

By the time most parents read this it will be too late, their children will have already been raised to fill one role, either they have been taught by example it is okay to make fun of others, or it is not. Or through examples of violence (verbal or physical) in our own homes we have set the path for our kids. Changing the next generation will be difficult too, since as parents we often pass our role onto our children.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pointshoot/2500644518/

Will this sign help?  It is nice to think it will, but all the signs in the world will not help.

Bullies outnumber victims. They get more people on their side because followers do not want to be the next target. If fewer people supported the bully it would be too intimidating for him, or her, to target others, but that person would still have unresolved issues. Again, we need to address the issue of how these angry children are being created and raised.

But, if we truly want bullying to stop, it is time we started addressing the bullies. It’s time we started looking at our own actions on a daily basis. Also stop kidding yourself that every one grows up fine. They don’t. I hope the media will take this seriously and start addressing issues from the other side, rather than just making it the victims fault.

Additional Reading

Adult Bullies and Social Boundries

Why I hate Clowns and Friends, a bullying experience