House Bill Set to Eliminate Rats, Pigeons

Due to a recent surge in the population of rats and pigeons in large cities, the United States House of Representatives has introduced a bill to eliminate these species entirely.  The reasoning for this project is grounded deeply in scientific fact.  Numerous studies, including one recent study from the University of California, Davis, have shown that “the rat population of a city is directly proportional to the prevalence of deadly disease in that city.”  Still others have shown the reasoning behind ridding cities of pigeons, stating “the pigeon population is directly proportional to the number of weird pigeon feeding ladies a city will have in its parks, benches, or stoops.”  Clearly the information tells us that we should get rid of both species, but at what cost?

Many environmental organizations have teamed together to defeat House Resolution 123, forming the “Pigeon-Rat Alliance,” the emblem of which is a giant rat with wings with an olive branch in its mouth.  The symbolism of the picture, as described by the group’s chairperson, Sandra Moon, is a big part of what the group hopes to achieve.  “We hope that this picture will rally people to our cause, because what we are doing is just.”  Sandra stated.  “We hope to make people realize that rats and pigeons are people too, albeit disease ridden, putrid, infectious, genetically disimilar people, but people nonetheless.”

The organization received a start-up grant from billionaire philanthropist and all-around good guy Donald Trump.  When contacted for comment, the Donald stated that this cause was “easily the most important movement I’ve put my energy behind since the birther issue” and that he is “hoping that rats and pigeons will eventually achieve full citizenship.” 

The issue has created an interesting dichotomy in the Republican-controlled House, where a firm decision in the outcome of the bill still appears to be in a stalemate.  Many are against the bill entirely, but still others feel the bill doesn’t go far enough.  Utah Representative Jason Chafetz is one such proponent, saying that while the bill is a step in the right direction, it doesn’t go nearly far enough.  “Do you have any idea how much money the federal government puts into programs to support endangered species?  Me neither.  But I tell you one thing: gray wolves, buffalo, and bald eagles have been suckling on the welfare-state tit of this nation long enough.  It’s time for them to be productive and get jobs, or be exterminated.”

“Federal spending is through the roof.”  He continued.  “Do you really think this nation can afford not to engage in genocidal tactics against its own endemic animal species?  I think not.”