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How Much Does Life Cost?

This is a romanticized monologue or declamation, a plea for life inspired by the clincher to Atty. J. Wilmott’s defense of Jodi Arias (convicted of first degree murder of ex-boyfriend Alexander Travis) "Do you kill me?" Some of Ms. Arias’s statements have been integrated in the text. It could have been an alternate to Ms. Arias’ address to the jury. There’s no intention to influence opinion. Read more.

Nobody knows what came between me and my lover Travis that fateful day. Until now I cannot make sense of what I did. I stabbed him multiple times, slashed his throat, put a bullet in his head and silenced him forever-a nameless brutality I must admit. Till then I would have died before I dared hurt him, for loving him was my obsession, my love so sweet it smelled to God in heaven.

Why, then, did I kill him? It is beyond me to imagine how I could kill the person who made me dream and changed my life. I’m horrified by the violence I’m capable of. Life is God’s most precious gift to man. Taking what was not mine was the worst thing I had ever done. God, how can you ever forgive me?

Round the peace and quiet that reigns supreme in Travis’ new land hovers the tale of a love forever gone. From his grave a voice keeps exhorting, “Look down, my murderer, and despair.” Oh, horror! Any horror less than this is most welcome! I never meant to hurt him! Hot tears won’t thaw the frost that covers him. I have no more tears to cry.
What can I not give up to bring Travis back? If I could turn back the hands of time, I’d undo what I had done, but God won’t bring back the past. He wants sinners to repent. I’m a sinner, and I want to be given the chance to live, to wash my bloody hands before I face my Maker.

What kind of living would it be in God’s land where I cannot find Travis? When Travis died he left the best thing behind: my heart and its devotedness. Without him this heart seems to stop beating. All I have are empty spaces I don’t know how I’ll ever fill. In the painful silence and emptiness of my tiny room in jail I hear only the whispered word “Travis” mocking my despair. I robbed Travis of his dreams, his sun-kissed smile of youth and the light in his eyes. God, this is unforgivable! I’m sorry, really sorry!

Travis’ family and friends have lost him forever. With Travis in the grave I understand it will never be easy for them to forgive me. His family will never understand the tragedy of loss. It is futile to try. It will take time to heal a wound of grief. A picture, a word, can change memory into pain. I will never understand this irreparable loss and endless pain either, because I TOO LOVED AND LOST TRAVIS.

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