Retarded Dog

     RETARDED DOG

   Dear Neighbor,

             I have an issue that I have been meaning to address for some time, and while I realize that some may consider my grievance minor, I feel that it should be discussed before it develops into a larger problem. Please, understand that I do not wish to be petty, or trivial (as I would not bring this issue to your attention without much thought and consideration as to how you might receive it) but I strongly believe that the topic must be breached in order to restore the sense of communal harmony, and familial bliss that the great citizens of Taylor once enjoyed.

   Let me start by telling you something about myself: One of the reasons I moved to this neighborhood was because (aside from the occasional motorbike or rescue vehicle) it was relatively quiet when compared to most downriver communities, and that allows me to keep a low profile. Keeping a low profile is important to me, as previously I lived in places where the neighboring residents and I had several altercations that did not always end neatly. Keeping a low profile is important to my government work, as well as aid in the protection of my house and properties.

  You must understand that I am sometimes asked to do some rather unsavory things that are best left unsaid, and having said that it should be apparent why I prefer to exit and enter my residence unannounced. All of these things were taken into consideration when I purchased my house, six years before you moved into the house across the street.

  Since that time, we have enjoyed an amiable relationship, where we both come and go as we please, without unnecessary fanfare, until your new addition to the family arrived.

  You may have noticed that your dog breaks into spontaneous fits of barking between 2 and 4 AM, every single morning, which is, coincidentally, the same time I get up and go to work every morning.

  It would be hard not to notice, as the other neighbors turn on their lights and look out their windows, attempting to see the source of commotion, to the purpose of better understanding why your dog bails incessantly every single morning, between 2 and 4.