Retarded Dog
by You may have noticed that your dog breaks into spontaneous fits of barking, every morning between two and four AM.
Strangely, your dog does not seem to recognize his territory, or respect the fact that I am considerate to enter and leave my domicile quietly, as to not disturb our sleeping neighbors.
While I understand that animals may be a bit edgy, or easily spooked, upon moving to a new environment, the early morning barking has been going on for over a year now, each morning drawing unnecessary attention to me and my house. Usually well-trained canines grow accustomed to their surroundings, and neighbors, within the span of a few months, but not your dog….oh, no.
Your neighbors have spent the last year getting up between 2 and 4 AM every morning, patiently waiting for your dog to be better acclimated to its surroundings.
Your neighbors have been wondering why it is that they cannot seem to sleep through your dogs daily barkothons, while you seem blissfully unaware of the incursion.
Please, understand that I am trying to be as polite as I possibly can, when I tell you that it is imperative that you put a muzzle on that retarded mutt as soon as possible…
I am sorry, maybe that was too brash. I have no way of knowing if your dog is retarded, and it is not my wish to cast aspersions on a dumb animal when the problem might lie with its retarded (and well-rested) owner. In either case, it is unproductive: to falsely characterize you or your pet, when the problem may stem from systematic animal abuse or nutritional deficiencies and poor training from a retarded owner…oops, there I go again.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there are cases where owners beat their dogs senseless, which could explain your dogs retarded behavior, but that would require you to have enough energy to beat your pet in the first place, whereas it is apparent (to all of your neighbors) that you do not possess the energy (or the will) to get out of bed and calm your dog when he/she/it begins it’s morning rants.
In any case, it is wrong to blame a lesser animal on the grounds of bad breeding, poor training, or abusive owners, even if the animal is retarded.
It comes to this: I am writing this letter to ask that you get your lazy ass out of bed to shut up your retarded dog.
Again, I am trying to breach this issue as nicely as possible, with much respect to you and your retarded dog. I understand that kennel dogs, and abused animals can often act erratic, as they are unable to understand right from wrong, as well as the subtle nuances involved with living on a street where most people do not wish to get up at 2 AM, not to mention that the dog’s lack of comprehension may be hampered by the fact that he/she/it is retarded.
So, what is your excuse?
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