Smoke Away

The next step is giving your money to the ones dying from your secondhand smoke. Packs of cigarettes are very expensive, eating up your finances substantially, all going to an evil cause. The tobacco industry grows more powerful, figuring out ways to kill gullible children and adults who can’t make a decision on their own by telling them how great smoking is.

Instead of supporting a corporation like this, add up all the money you would otherwise spend on cigarettes, collect it, and give it to hospital patients dying from secondhand smoke. This way, people who suffer from your decision to look cool in front of your friends in junior high will have a better chance of survival. You won’t be able to undo the damage you’ve done, but at least you can partially help. Again, I am not being an overly-paranoid anti-smoking fanatic. This is completely logical.             

The final part of my proposal is the most important. Shoot yourself in the mouth with a shotgun. This way you can die without making anyone else die. It kills you instantaneously rather than taking several years of wheezing and coughing and breathing through oxygen tubes. Hey, you don’t really have to shoot yourself in the mouth.

If you like the “live fast, die young” lifestyle, why not take up something that could kill you that’s actually fun to do. Climb up some big-ass rock without a harness or jump from an airplane. Maybe you’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to swim with sharks. I don’t know. Just save the oxygen tubes for the ones dying from your secondhand smoke.                                                  

On the other hand, in the privacy of someone’s own home, people should be able to smoke as much as they want, whenever they want, and whatever they want, including tobacco, weed, crack, banana peels, silly putty, lizard feet, etc. Maybe not meth. That shit is fucked up. However, outside a private residence, it shouldn’t be happening, but it shouldn’t be the law. Then we’d have more people in jail, eating up tax dollars. We’ve all seen how well the law works with this kind of issue.

Fuck the law. It should just be out of simple consideration. In conclusion to my proposal, energy and water is conserved, cancer patients are provided with financial support, and you’re dead just like you weren’t worried about anyway. There really is no fanaticism involved here. This is simple flawless logic, something our society as a whole is very uncomfortable with.