Only his Holiness the Pope Benedict XVI could see it fit to give us a new set of 10 Commandments. We have been assured that they are not written on two stone tablets nor where they inserted by a finger of fire. What we are not sure about however is if his Holiness has received those via the red line Phone direct to God. Not saying that rules for drivers should be held holy, but I personally think that he has left a few out or has overlooked them.

So just too even it out and with a bit of tongue in cheek, here is my version of the 10 Commandments for Drivers. Please watch out for Thunder, Lightning and Floods or other Natural Disasters when breaking those not so holy laws:

1. Thou shall not talk on your Cell Phones while driving

We know that it is highly important to catch up with your Friends, decide what to eat that night or who did what to whom, not to mention the last second Business Call that you just have to push in. However, some of us would actually like to get where we are going in a safe and timely manner without having to worry about your lack of attention to what you are doing or where you are going. Which brings me to Rule Number two.

2. Thou shall not fix your face, put on make-up or squeeze pimples during driving

Besides having those all important conversations on the Cell Phone, some of us (mainly the females) seem to think the back mirror is solely there for putting on Make up. Now I am not claiming that some of our more interesting masculine counter parts don’t groom them-selves in the car, just to make sure we do have equal rights here and even our pimple ridden Teenage Delivery Drivers join in the fun (no kidding I saw it). Please, do all your squeezing, painting and all together grooming in a non moving location. Which brings me to Rule Number three.

3. Thou shall not slowpoke in the fast lane

We all know those drivers that just have to speed up and cut right in front of you, just to suddenly see the holy light and slow down to a crawling speed of oh… about 20 miles an hour. Not only is that highly annoying, it is also very dangerous. One of the laws of traffic tells us to go with the flow of traffic for good reason. To cut someone of and then slow down drastically does not only invoke the wrath of Road Rage, but also can cause the Driver behind you to suddenly have to slam on their Breaks and potentially cause a multiple car crash.

As for those that have to be in the fast lane no matter what and then suddenly decide to take a “scenic sightseeing tour” a.k.a. almost come to a complete stop instead of driving, please remember that for that reason we have normally 2 to 3 lanes available. Besides the Person behind you could have had a drink and a loaded gun. Which brings me to Rule Number four which really should have been Rule Number one, but is so common sense I put it next.

4. Thou shall not Drink and Drive

You can have your Tea, Coffee, Water or Soda by all means as long as it is not spiked, but if you have had too much alcohol to drink, please Park your Car. If that is not a good option, because you have already had so much to drink that you are now in a Neighborhood where your car may not be there the next day, get someone else that happens to be sober to drive for you. Preferably someone you know. Which brings me to Rule Number 5.

5. Don’t use thy fellow drivers for target practice

Guns are not the only thing that kill people, Cars seem to be Weapon of Mass destruction. How often do you hear in the news about SUV’s gone wild? Of course that could have nothing to do with the Driver; the car is now fully automated and thinks for itself. Please keep all your arms, legs and aggression to your-self and don’t use your car as weapon for target practice on your fellow driver. Which leads us right into Rule Number six.

6. Thou shall keep your road rage under control

Sometimes you just can not help yourself and you would dearly love to strangle, beat or otherwise do bodily harm to the Moron in front or the side of you. That is understood, however the law frowns on car crashes and murder. No Idea why they would of course, but there it is. For that Reason you should find alternative ways of dealing with high stress levels. Listening to Music (please Note Rule Number 7) and generally trying to relax your Muscles can be of great help. See Rule Number 8. My daughter advices to try making a stress ball steering wheel cover. Don’t ask!

7. Thou shall not entertain more then two blocks with your music

I know, I know only you have good taste in Music and you just want to share your Passion with the World. Thank you for being so considerate. Not! Sadly, most of the time the various Music Genres seem to clash with each other when blasted at the same time. Plus some of us don’t necessarily speak your language and for that reason it seems to aggravate the Road Rage a bit (Reference Rule Number 6). If your Windows rattle and the car in front of you bounces from YOUR MUSIC, it is too loud. Not to mention that little nasty law of Disturbing the Peace. Of course there are never any Cops around when you want them.

8. Thou shall not relax THAT muscle while driving

Now that of course means two different types of muscles. One more or less goes hand in hand with the second one, but can be used separately. The first muscle only you can disable which of course is your Brain. The second one is more enjoyable when disable or shall we say relaxed by someone else. That however also seems to shut down temporarily the first one. For the relaxation of the second muscle, please either park in a very remote location or go home, hotel or motel or any very private location of your choice. And no we do not wish to share into this particular relaxation via visual affect, which brings me to Rule number 9.

9. Thou shall keep your private thoughts and parts to your-self

I am so glad that you are generous enough to want to share your delightful thoughts about every walking female or male in sight with us as well as to demonstrate rather openly that your plumbing is in order. However, most of us don’t really appreciate that thought and sight of foremost mentioned Parts and Words. Please keep it where it belongs. Thank you! Which includes Honking, Words, Grunts, Barks, Growls, Howls, fleshy sounds and whatever other thing pops up. Last but not least Rule Number Ten.

10. Thou shall not implement things you learned on Games or in Movies in real life

Ok, I personally have nothing against Games be it Consol or PC. I think they are delightful and at times very educational. Movies too are fun to watch and can teach us many things which you usually do not learn in School (inserts my Daughter). However, you should really not try to see if Auto Theft IV, V or any other number and State really works or if you can be gone in 60 seconds. Please keep your crafty fingers and hands off other peoples belongings; otherwise you just might have to deal with Rule Number Five or the beautiful flashing lights.

Note: You may wish to read these Rules carefully, repeatedly and print them out. They make a good present for just about any Driver in your Life nicely framed. Just make sure first that they have a sense of humor and no Weapons handy.