The War on Farts

It is now established that cattle farts are one of the main causes of global warming since they contain considerable amounts of greenhouse gases which slow the escape of heat from earth, thus raising its temperature. Due to some similarity between cattle and human digestive systems it is not surprising that human farts have a similar effect.

This finding was presented in the First Annual Report Thesis (FART) more than a year ago and was adapted by the Global Air Society (GAS). Yet nothing has been done to stop or at least reduce the production and emission of this deadly form of mass pollution which threatens our very existence.

It is true, as some scientists have claimed, that this will require dramatic changes in our way of life. First, we will have to change our eating habits and refrain from consuming fart-producing foods such as beans or chilli. It is also recommended that we limit the consumption of cheese, especially hard cheese, which has to be cut before it can be consumed.

This goal cannot be achieved without proper supervision and we therefore recommend the establishment of a special agency which will inspect and if necessary enforce those regulations in places such as public libraries which are known to be sources of deadly air poisoning. This agency will be authorized to fine and even jail frequent farters. Also, for the safety of air travelers we recommend that only one free fart per passenger will be allowed on transatlantic flights and for every additional fart the responsible farter will be charged an additional mandatory fee.

But law enforcement alone cannot change the habits of the whole mankind. We need the help of a moral authority and this will be the resposibility of our religious institutions. As a first step in this direction we offer the introduction of a new commandment

Thou Shall Not Fart

which will apply mainly to places of worship, another well-known source of deadly emissions. We believe that with the help of God we can achieve our goals and survive forever.  Amen.