The week did not start off with a bang.  I received a call from an agency in San Francisco about a possible temporary position.  It sounded good and I agreed to have them represent me.  Besides, the position and company had not shown up on any of my job searches for the day.  I tried something new today.  Went straight into looking for positions before checking my emails.

I have begun a chart of the positions/dates/search sites I have been using.  When you are on the computer, it is easy to switch back and forth.  It also saves time and paper from writing all of it down.  The information is important for EDD.  It is also helpful in keeping track of what I have applied for so I don’t keep applying for the same positions.  Most of the time they notify you that you have already applied.

It is very tiring and discouraging looking for a job in this current market.  Hundreds of other applicants are applying for most all of the positions.  I wonder how they cull through all of them to come up with people the company deems qualified to interview.  Even though companies are not supposed to discriminate by age (or anything else), they can guess by dates of employment the possible age of an applicant.  Unfortunately for me, being over 50, there is discrimination.  Partly because most companies want someone young and cute; also because young and cute, with lots less experience, does not cost as much. 

Years ago, as a supervisor, we needed a couple of temps.  The agency sent us two women, then in the 50’s.  They were great.  They knew the programs, were experienced enough to pick up quickly on what was needed, they were punctual and dependable.  Too bad neither of them wanted a full-time position.  I certainly would have hired them.

By Wednesday, I still had not heard back from anyone.  One of the points they made at the interview workshop was to make callbacks.  When you apply online, there usually is not a name to contact.  In fact, most of them send you a “no reply” confirmation email of the position to which you have applied.  At least the election is over, television is back to normal, except for “Dancing with the Stars,” which usually airs on Tuesday, and is this week airing on Wednesday.  I did spend quite a bit of time going through my job search sites looking for anything new.  I applied to a couple.  You would think that one of them would at least call.

Just last night I went online to see what I could find about being unemployed.  At least maybe get some ideas of what I could be doing that would help me find a job.  The articles were interesting.  One of the things pointed out was the depression.  To help combat this you should be staying in contact with people.  Being alone all the time isn’t good for the sole.  It does give you the feeling of hopelessness. 

I was talking with a neighbor who has been out of work since last May.  She finally went to One Stop and she was eligible for retraining.  She is now going to school for paralegal and she told me she is much happier.  She has a purpose now and she can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.  When I went to the workshop for interviewing, I came back with a sense that I could now do this.  The problem is that it has been over a week and I still have not been able to get an interview.  How can I put what I learned to use? 

Therefore, for this past week I have been in a state of depression.  Crying a lot, the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness.  Yes, feeling worthless because no one seems to think I can do the job.  A couple of places I applied did email that they were going a different route.  It was nice to know for sure I would not be hearing back from them, as opposed to all of the other applications I have put in whereby no one acknowledges receipt and you therefore feel ignored.  It reminds me of when I was young and starting out.  I wanted to be a legal secretary and no one would hire me because I did not have any experience.  Now I have experience, but no one will give me a chance to prove I can do the job.  Maybe I have too much experience, or they feel because of my age that I won’t be as flexible as a younger person will.  Sure, it is illegal to discriminate because of age.  However, if you look at my resume, it is easily to see that I am no longer young.

I was fortunate to speak with a friend I have not spoken with in some time.  She moved out of state and she has been going through a lot in the last several years.  Eight surgeries, some of them for cancer.  It keeps coming back and the treatments are not working so the only thing they can do is keep going back to remove the tumors.  We did some commiserating about our respective situations.  Like other’s I have worked with and who know my situation, the consensus is that I am a very good employee with all the major attributes employers are looking for.  Dependability, punctuality, flexibility, knowledge, experience, attitude, creativity.  Somehow these attributes are not being conveyed convincingly in just my resume and I do not get the interview. 

There are times I even doubt that God is really looking down on me.  Is he really out there?  Is it really true he doesn’t give you more than you can handle?  It is very difficult trying to keep a good face, telling people things are all right, when what I am really feeling is depressed, frustrated, worthless, and desperate.  I know I can do the job.  I just need someone else to believe in me that I can.