Useless and Old? Give One Last Time

I think we all know that the elderly are a problem.  They can’t drive, they can’t walk at over a mile a day, and they smell of wee.  Aside from causing endless disasters on the road, culling young, innocent, productive members of society, they also cost millions of pounds a year in medical services, in a fruitless attempt to endlessly prolong their drab meanness existence.

Now, no doubt any people reading this article over the age of fifty is thinking to themselves: “What rot! I have lots of life left to live!”.  All I have to say to this is that I understand, you want to choose life, and I respect that.  After all, you’ve had a good life.  Remember the war?  Dunkirk spirit?  Those were greats days weren’t they?  Remember the spirit of the sixties, the groovy seventies.   Good times good time.  Remember when you stayed up until ten pm when you were fifteen, just to stay out with Keith and watch the stars?  Gosh your mum was so mad with you!!  Ah yes, fond memories.  But I have to tell you: EVERYTHING YOU KNEW IS AT AN END.  That’s right, Keith’s dead now, so is your mum a long long ago, died along with your passed, alone with your future.  You’re a burden on your family, and they all wish, secretly, deep down that you were dead; a pleasant memory not an uncomfortable present.  Look at yourself, go on, unveil the mirrors and take a deep stare.  Your not what you were, your life it at an end.  Accept it, embrace it!!

I think we’ve all come to accept it, the oldies admit that its their time to go, the young want to sell gran’s house and buy a new car.  Yer you’ll miss her, like you miss that old ragged carpet, you thought it was part of your history, you’re life.  But now you realize that it was just holding you back.  Given this realization, what are we to do with all the elderly?  Fat old and useless you say, we want to cull them yes, but what would we do with their useless carcasses? Here at least, dear reader you are wrong.  You see, fat is a commodity!!  Power plants cry out of fuel, the third world cries out for nurturance!  Now of course, people in the west would never fry their chips in people fat.  Perish the thought!!  But people in the thirds world aren’t like you and me, they don’t share are strong moral vision.  For them one form of fat for their rice is as good as any!!

Not being one of those hippy-communist types I wouldn’t suggest giving the fat away, No, lets keep with the capitalism ideal that so many have died to protect.  Some scientific facts and simple maths gives us the gains from sales of fat:

Cost of average old person medial care (£23,000/year), average cost in Road traffic accidents(£50,000), emotional damaged caused to the young by seeing their parents/relatives slowly die (£20,000), value of elderly fat(£5).

Thus, the saving adds to a massive £93,005 per year, per old person.  If we implemented this policy by 2050 the savings would be  £2,700,000,000,000[1] more than the total GDP of the UK!!!

Ah my old friends, you’ve given so much for our great country. Given your children and brothers to our wars, struggled to civilize far off parts of the word.  Strove for a better world for us all.  What we ask now, with a tear in our eyes, is for you to take a stroll down to the processing plant and give one last time.  

For your children, for the future, and for Great Britain!!