Why We are the Way We are

Studies have been done where twins who were raised separately where compared to see which held more importance in personality behavior, nature or nurture. Genetics or parenting? They found many personality similarities even when people were raised in different homes, and decided that genetics plays a good part in our personality. The twins were not alike as much as when they are raised together, so there must be some other influence too.

Other studies have been done which indicate the bulk of a persons behavior is formed before the age of five or six years old. If you spoil a child by giving in to its whims in order to avoid a temper tantrum you have set it up for that path in life, one of a child who will grow into an adult who cannot handle disappointment. As we get older other events shape our lives, such as getting hurt in a relationship.

For me I know one event triggered my hatred for babies. Actually it was not one even, so much as it was three.

I was the oldest of four, only eighteen months when my mom had her second child. They were miles away from friends and family, dad being very busy with work and education. I later learned she suffered postpartum depression too. As such I was undoubtedly pushed aside while “the baby” got the attention. Undoubtedly I heard “not now, the baby needs me” or “be quiet, you’ll wake the baby”.

Two more babies, and I was set. I cried on the phone when I heard mom at the hospital announcing her good news of baby number four. Experts now, of course, say you should wait until your first child is at least 2 years of age before even planning another. I guess I could have gone either way, hated babies, or become so enamored by them as to have a surplus of them myself.

Image via Wikipedia

This photo is not of my family, interesting enough I do not have photos of myself smiling after the age of 2.  I was eventually diagnosed and treated for depression.

If we are hurt in a relationship, either with our parents, siblings, or partner, we carry forth some of that hurt into later relationships, whether we like it or not. Whether we admit it or not. It is up to us to try to come to terms with those issues to amend them and recover from them.

Do we distrust a new partner because of a betrayal by a former one, or by witnessing betrayal between our parents?

Can we mend our souls so we do not suffer the burdens of our past any longer?

While I know why I hate babies, I still hate them. Throughout my pregnancy I even told doctors I had thought I might kill my child after she was born. They dismissed this, and lucky thing I never did kill her, she is a teenager now. Some women do kill their children. I think at a point I was simply shocked with the doctors easy dismissal of my concerns.

The first step to healing ourselves is to identify the problem.

Next, find out the cause of the problem (although we may not always be able to do so).

Finally, either come to terms with it, seek professional help for it, or remember not to transfer it beyond ourselves.

Treat others as you would hope to be treated. Every time we scar another person, that person carries that scar forward with them. We can try to be gentle and honest with each other. If a relationship is going poorly we should address it quickly and end it without blaming the other person. If we are going to cause pain for somebody (as when a person gets involved with somebody who is married) we owe it to ourselves and to the universe to back off. If you are a parent, and made a mistake parenting, even if it was unintentional, you can try to make amends by talking with your child about it, even if they are grown.

There is too much pain in the world. We are the way we are because of ourselves, our genetics, and how we react to others. So it is best if we remember how we treat others becomes how they behave in the future….

Related Reading

There would be fewer spoilt children, if you could spank the Parents

Offering Sympathy and Concern – the Importance of REALLY Caring

Planning a Second Child