Dumb English – in English-speaking Countries

There are lots of Web sites devoted to strange use of the English language on signs and instructions in foreign countries where English is not the main language.  While these are funny, I’m willing to give non-English speakers a break; after all, English is one of the hardest languages on earth to learn, being so irregular.  But, my funny bone really gets tickled, and my curiosity aroused by the use of English by people who’ve grown up with it.  Some of the signs and instructions I’ve encountered traveling in the US and other English-speaking countries make those tortured phrases you see in foreign countries look downright intelligent.

Here, for your entertainment, are a few that I find particularly puzzling.

To be taken orally.  I know you’ve seen this instruction on many a pill bottle, right?  Now, in the case of suppositories, I know you don’t put them in your mouth, but other pills and capsules – how else would you get them into your body?  I’m sure someone, somewhere must have tried to take a pill some other way than by swallowing, and the drug company lawyers decided that a warning label was necessary, but really, having to tell an intelligent person that pills go in through the mouth seems a bit over the top.

Contents are hot.  Since a lady put a cup of hot coffee between her legs while riding in a car and getting scalded when it spilled, many coffee vendors have put this warning label on their offerings.  Of course, in this case, the court did award damages, but that seems more a dumb judicial decision than a logical outcome to an inadvisable act on the part of the scalded party, it still seems an unnecessary thing to do.  When you buy a cup of coffee that has steam rising from it, shouldn’t your brain come to the conclusion that it’s hot?  Heaven help us if someone ever gets an ice burn from a cup of iced coffee.  Will they put a warning label on that says, “Contents cold”?

Flush toilet after use.  Now, this one really gets me.  Unless you grew up in a cave that had no running water or flush toilets, it’s a good chance that your parents taught you to flush and lower the lid when done, right?  Then again, maybe not, given that a study some years back revealed that more than half the men who use the loo – including doctors – don’t wash their hands afterwards.

Warning:  Not for human consumption.  You’ll find this caution on many pet foods.  Pity the poor fool who thinks the treats for Rover can be served to guests at his next cocktail party.

Some assembly required:  You’ll occasionally find this on jigsaw puzzle boxes, but it really gets me when it’s on the box containing a toy that is in a dozen pieces, complete with the screws and clamps needed to make the darn thing work.

These are just a few of the really dumb signs and instructions I’ve encountered in the US; so, the next time you get a chuckle at a sign some traveler finds in Tokyo or Bangkok, think about it.