English is Our Second Language: Why Learning to Speak and Write English Properly is Damn Near Impossible

The last case-ending we will consider is the ablative. Even in Latin the ablative case is difficult. In English which no longer has an ablative case ending, the proliferation of adverbs needed to convey the sense of an ablative case is mind numbing. Since I have no great desire to ruin your good looks with crossed eyes and a “mouth breathing” stammer and stare; and since the ablative often involves a torturous conflation of the ablative with the pluperfect-we might forego this exercise altogether. The past tense can almost always repair grammatical nightmares as “they had been having” to “they were having” or “they had”. Why this is so, is best left to evangelicals and others who speak in tongues. And of course to Republican Presidents or Presidential Candidates who lately seem to speak English as a foreign language and could perhaps benefit from this exercise

Spanking English

Another reason why English remains difficult to speak or write effectively is because we have, over the years forgotten why we say the things we do, and why we say them the “way” we say them. One should very seldom write the way one speaks. Speaking is less formal than writing, as a rule and does not always have to obey all the same rules. For example grade school students are often corrected when they ask to be excused, to ask “may I please be excused to use the bathroom…?” instead of “can I go to the bathroom….?” Both “can” and “may” are words that imply a conditional situation; but “can I” is almost always interpreted as a “physical ability”, while “may I” almost always refers to “requisite permission”. In the one case, the student is literally asking if he is physically able to urinate; in the other case he or she is asking to be excused for the purpose of going to the restroom.

This points to yet another frustrating point for those who are trying to learn English as a second language and for so-called “native speakers.” Americans tend to use “euphemisms” and slang instead of just saying or writing exactly what they mean. We usually do this thinking that it is “more polite” or perhaps more “familiar”, or even more “hip”. Generally speaking, Americans are more timid or reserved or “polite” concerning their bodily functions than are many other cultures in the world. Some historians blame this on our Puritan forebears, who sought perfection in “God’s eyes”; some blame it on Queen Victoria’s long and suppressive rule in England that impressed Eastern society in this country as a model for behavior. I believe it is due to the size of this country and the reasonable expectation of privacy that inheres in a “frontier mentality” and increases geometrically from one generation to the next despite the realities of overcrowding and ever invasive government… [If you didn't follow that reasoning, don't worry-it's just a joke! So I can't explain it.]