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Lost in Translation

A list of the real meanings of sayings versus what is really intended.

Lost in Translation

Understanding what people really mean when attempting to communicate with them is important in order to know what they are really saying. The glossary below is a list of commonly heard phrases and their actual translations.

From a prospective employer – “How much do you need to pay your bills?’”
– translation- There is no opportunity here and even if there was, I would pay you less than your unemployment benefit.

“See you later” 
– translation – I have no intention of seeing you and if I do I’ll probably repeat the same idiotic phrase.

“According to your policy” 
– translation- we won’t cover it, we don’t care and its not our fault that you are not well versed in the nuanced detail of our industry and how it works.”

“Continuing education”
– translation- your “education” needs to be continued, therefore you really are a complete jackass and you definitely missed the boat the first time.

“Take the weekend and think about it” 
– translation- I am an arrogant SOB, I am telling you to do something to ruin your weekend and I really don’t care what you think about.

– translation- one more thing to be held against you based on your race, creed or national origin.     

“Do you mind taking a survey when our call is finished?” -translation – Our customer service dept. is so bad that we figured we would make it even worse by wasting more of your time.

“How was your weekend?”
– translation – I am very uncomfortable with awkward silences and I dont want them to think I am too hungover to speak.

“We need you to complete this pre-employment psychological survey” 
– translation- Someone in our company read an article about the advantages of psychological screening in an airport then wasted obscene amounts of money on a generic psych test.

“We’ll have to send that to the attorneys to look at” 
– translation – Tell the office manager to post a $5000 charge to accounts payable.   

“I’m a Christian”..(or a mormon, muslim,whatever)..(any organized religion as an introduction)…  
– translation- Do not trust me, I will stab you in the back at the first opportunity. I will also seek ways to drain you and your company of all available funds.

“Your ‘age bracket’ typically has higher premiums, declinations and paramed exams”
-translation- You are too old for coverage, if we do extend health coverage to you, it will be ungodly expensive and you must first submit to all manner of body fluid screens and invasive medical examinations. You will probably be declined.

“Can we have a copy of your presentation, it was the best one ever!” -translation- We want to steal your ideas to use on our company website and make sure we dont compensate you for it.

“Baby on board”
-translation- I like visual obstructions in my rear window and I will hold my kid hostage for my lack of driving skills.  

“Unlimited income opportunity”
-translation- Not only will you not make any money with us, we will charge you to work here.

“We pay you mileage and a car allowance” 
-translation- This job will bury you in your car. 

“Congratulations on your home loan modification!”
-translation- Thank you for agreeing to a $35,000 deferred balance that you cant pay off until you sell the home!

“Special needs” 
-translation- Retarded.  

“We will debit your account on the 24th” 
-translation- We will take the money out of your account on the 23rd, either during the day or at midnight, know one knows, it’s a mystery…

“I’m thinking about playing guitar on a street corner” -translation- Damn, I can’t believe I’m this broke.

“This might be a little unpleasant” 
-translation- It’s gonna hurt like hell

“Back to school”
-translation- Thank God these kids finally have somewhere to go and something to do

“Both candidates sound the same”
-translation- they are.

“Have a nice day”
-translation- Everyone knows you don’t mean it.

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