Those annoying things that people say…Ya know what I mean? It seems that the English language constantly comes up with new ways to make itself sound silly. Here’s a few of the ones that bug me the most. This is IN NO WAY a complete list. As a matter of fact, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Feel free to add as many more as you like to the bottom of the list.
- “No offense, but” If you have to clarify a statement with ‘no offense’ then it is obviously offensive. Just because you say ‘no offense’, it in no way makes it less offensive. And you know it. Otherwise, you would have never said ‘no offense’ in the first place. Of course people are going to take offense, and justifiably so. As a matter of fact, anyone hearing ‘no offense’ should just go ahead and smack you with a rolled up newspaper, without waiting to hear the rest of the sentence. It’s that offensive.
- “Don’t take this the wrong way, but” Similar to number one in many ways, with one horrifying difference. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way,’ is always followed by something personal and insulting, that is somehow supposed to be okay because it was prefaced with ‘Don’t take this the wrong way.’ That’s just dishonest. If you are going to make a mean personal comment, just do so. You aren’t fooling anyone anyway. No offense.
- “Let’s just be friends.” Anyone who feels the need to say this should be banned from the company of others. The entire phrase should be banned from the English language. And, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you have ever used this to break up with someone please, for the love of all that’s holy, DON’T BREED.
- “Could be worse.” I doubt it, I really do. How could that possibly be comforting? This is usually said in an effort to cheer someone up. Really. By bringing to mind something more horrible than what just happened. Look, we all know that there is always more bottom to that rock bottom. You don’t need to point it out! Be cheerful! Change the subject in a different way, or just be a friend and let the poor sod vent a bit.
- “Shuuuut-up!” I used extra U’s for effect, to show the elongated nature of that short phrase. According to Webster’s online dictionary, shut-up means: “transitive verb: to cause a person to stop talking. intransitive verb: to cease writing or speaking” The problem with this is, when someone says ‘shut-up’, they don’t actually mean what it means. They would even be confused if people stopped talking to them at this point. Some people use this so much, I can’t imagine that anyone says anything at all to them by the end of the day.
- “My bad” Supposedly this is a ‘cool’ way of saying ‘my mistake’ and even takes the place of an apology. Saying ‘oh, my bad’, in the place of an apology is almost as bad as ‘don’t take this the wrong way’. If you did something wrong and feel bad about it, APOLOGISE! Or don’t say anything at all.
- “How’s it going?” or the local equivalent. All anyone wants to hear is the word “Fine.” Any more than that and the person who asked the original question starts to look like a deer caught in head lights. If you don’t want to know the answer, don’t ask the question.
- “Cold/Hot enough for you?” What?!?! What a ridiculous way to start a conversation. Yes, the weather is a safe topic, but things like ‘How about this weather?’ is the conversational equivalent to valium. At least try to make it interesting. “Did you see the cumulous cloud formation traveling across campus? Stunning.” Or don’t mention it.
- “Uuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” Right. I, um, don’t think, um, that I, um, really need to, um, you know, explain that. Um.
- “Like” Okay, like, I was writing this, like list? And I was, you know, like, trying to come up with, like, things? And, like, you know ‘like’, kept, like, coming to mind.
An addition: Starting sentences with ‘or’ ‘and’ and ‘but’. That can be annoying. And you know it. See above.
People who speak in question format, as if every day is an unscripted episode of Jeopardy. See number ten.
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