Top 10 Useless Phrases You’re Probably Saying

There are an obscene amount of words in our English language. Graceful, fleeting words of specificity and power. Their effective use for communication is often wrecked by well meaning idiots who have no idea how to speak to one another. They try anyway. Here are the top ten completely meaningless and cliche sayings that have fucked me off endlessly this evening.

!0.) “You’ll have that” – It essentially means “I can’t put a sentence together that serves to move the conversation along, so I’ll try to sound knowledgeable and superior”. Fuck you. You won’t have shit.

9.) “I know, Right?” – I always get the impression that the speaker had NO FUCKING IDEA before I said anything, so putting “right” after it doesn’t make it any more of a confirmation than saying “Cookie monster titty fuck.”

8.) “Hey Now!”- Usually said to mean “I feel offended”. Fuck you. I’ll continue to say whatever the fuck I’m on about until you can do better than two words and an exclamation point. Be offended. You’re also retarded.

7.) “Cool Beans”- I don’t even know what the fuck this one means, but it makes you sound like you’ve had a stroke, and at least half your brain is shut down. Unfortunately, it’s not the half that’s speaking.

6.) “It’s all good.”- Usually said after complaining for fifteen minutes or so. No, it’s fucking NOT all good. If it were, I wouldn’t have had to listen to a fucking discourse on how your boyfriend “Is, like, totally a dick”.

5.) “This is true”- At one point, this was an out of style phrase that our parents used only sparingly. Now every fucking conversation has this in it. Sometimes for no reason whatsoever. Cut it the fuck out.

4.) “Peachy” -When asked “how are you”, this is the weakest form of sarcasm, and it doesn’t make you a jedi, it makes you a dick.

3.) “Oh-Em-Gee!”- Even said ironically, ( I gotta cut that shit out) it’s fucking tacky and insincere. Keep that shit on your phone and outta your mouth, along with “BRB” and “Lol”.

2.) “Hit me Up”- The former meaning was past tense, as in “He hit me up for 20 bucks and never paid me back”, now it means “Call, or possibly text me”. Fuck you. If I could literally hit you up? I sure as shit would. With a hammer.

1.) “Whatever” – The single most dismissive and denigrating word to be taken up by a generation of apathetics. When used against me, I will absolutely go ape shit. When used BY me? I feel like less of a man.

We have a rich, and fucking LOVELY language. Since no one else seems to want to use it, I’ll take it myself.

C’mon now people, we can do better.