Hi folks,

Just came back from court. I think things went well, but I know that some of my friends would not think so. First I feel I had to make this decision because I really have no means or a place for my son. I really don’t want to take Anthony away from his father anyway, even though I feel he is not the best example for my son. Once I get my own place and back on my feet, I try to have the majority of this custody agreement. As it stands now, He lives with his father at his grandparent’s house. His father claims him and fully supports him with all of his needs. I have my son every other weekend and can see him more if I want. I just pray to God that my son does not learn his fathers bad habits, while I am trying to prepare a home for him.

I currently live with my parents. My girls and I are all stuck together in one room. I have no job, no home and the only money I am getting is wel-fare and food stamps. My parents are being kind enough to let me stay here and letting me borrow their car.

I tried to hold out and stay with Anthony’s father, but things were getting way out of hand. I felt I was constantly in the middle of a war zone. Mike, Anthony’s father, had his son and my youngest daughter picking on my oldest one. He got them to call her names and belittled her so. I felt I had to always jump in and defending my oldest one, which made my youngest ones  think I didn’t love them but only the oldest. That was not the case at all. This also made Mike mad and he would yell, cruse, and scream at me something awful. Day in and day out, more fighting and throwing things and don’t forget the threats too. I thought one of this days that someone was going to get killed and murdered by somebody else. I had to stop it. I tried everything till I was force to do the last thing, leave Mike and take at least my girls with me. I really had to get Jennie, my oldest, away from him before she did stab him with a knife.

At first I didn’t understand what was really going on or why Jennie had so much resentment and anger for Mike. That last year or before it, I finally found out the reason for all of this. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I was shocked and hurt. I felt betrayed in the worst way and guilty that I didn’t know all this time and didn’t protect my daughter from this crime. How could I have lived with a man that could do such a thing and still act like I still love him like nothing had happen? I knew right then I had to leave. I had to show my daughter that I can’t love a man that tried to rob her from her innocents. I couldn’t continue living there and pretend that nothing did happen. That would make her feel that I don’t care for her as much as I do that man. Of course, that did break my feeling for that man. I got angry and started to hate him as much as my daughter now. The reasons for feeling this way were still kept hidden from the other two. It did become war with Mike and the younger two against Jennie and myself. It got so bad that I went through a mental breakdown. I became a zombie and fell into deep depression. It took all the strength that I had to just get out of bed. I was deteriorating rapidly, while the screaming, yelling, and cussing got louder and put more on me. The more he did this the more I slip more underneath my covers. He would yell, “Get up you lazy bitch!” or “You really are a nut. You need to get help.” At that moment I was gone. I had no energy to get help for myself and him beating me with his words kept me paralyzed that I couldn’t help myself.

That come to a question that plagues my mind often now. Why did I needed to find help? If I was bleeding and blood was just poring out of my face and arms, wouldn’t you get the help for me and not me trying to get help for myself? I was bleeding out of my soul and becoming empty inside. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I really didn’t care if I got help or not. Thank God that he came or something spark a bit a life into me. I slapped myself silly and said, “What are you doing, girl?” “Snap out of it” is what I told myself. I finally started thinking again what to do and how to make my life better for me and my kids. “Don’t let this man ruin your life. Stand up and be a fighter and really show him what you are made of. You don’t need him and it is time to move on. He wasn’t your soul-mate after all. Time to get back on the saddle again, but this time pick a different horse to ride off into the sunset with.” Also thanks to my parents interference, they practically dragged my out of that apartment. I was heading to live with them if I liked it or not.

Before that happen though, I tried to do all myself. Bought a computer, then started to find a better job. While doing that, AxiaCollege called me up and got me thinking about going back to school. In time that is what I did. I tried so hard to make it through, but Mike got so jealous I was on the computer so much. Eventually I retaliated by getting on different sites and making friends all over the world. Plus my husband reappearing help a bit too. School and now dealing withtwo men that I am so desperately trying to get away from was becoming too much. I felt I was a candle withwicks burning at bothends. My mind was getting over-loaded and my lessons were suffering. I then reached out to my new friends for comfort and support. I got back involved with my art work. I wrote down all my pain and suffering. I just kept on writing till I just couldn’t stop and the computer was my new addiction.

Once I left that apartment and started to live with my parents, my mind was starting to come at ease, but I still had trouble concentrating on school work. I felt I needed something and I just didn’t feel whole. I felt I need to fill up this empty void, so I can do and be who I want to be. So I went a little to heavy in trying to find someone new, but at the end I think I finally did find love that can be so true.

He thinks that I am being too fair and cheating myself from something. He thinks that I should get full custody of Anthony. He is so angry for me and angry at me, all at the same time. He refuse to listen and look at the logic here, but he does feel my pain and pushes me to get what I deserve, more than what I want. He is unwilling to hear all the logical reasons why I am doing what I am doing now. I do think at this moment I am doing the best thing for Anthony and keeping my child happy at this horrible moment in life. I am trying to be fair to everybody that is concerned here. I don’t think I am letting Mike get away with murder sort of speak. I can’t punish Anthony for something his father has done. My son loves his father no mater what. He knows his father has a bad heart and has cancer. He knows what his father did to Jennie and he too says that is wrong and now understands why I had to leave. I did this for Anthony and not for Mike, but my new boyfriend thinks that a boy of a 11 is too young to make decisions. My son did not make this by himself. My daughters, my son and myself talked and talked about this till we all were turning blue in our faces. We made the decision as a group. Of course I had the final word. I now feel that I had did the right thing and feel very proud that I can talk to my children about anything. I am proud to say that children do have voices and need to be heard. I listen to my children and listen to what they had to say and absorb all the feelings they were trying to show me. I took everything in consideration and didn’t over-looked a thing. I thought hard and long. I feel that I have came to the most wise choice I have ever made. A choice that I will never regret doing. I feel at peace and that is what really counts.

What do you think?