Oh No It’s The Fuzz

Your blood runs cold, your hands become clammy and you fear the loss of all bodily functions. The goal, of course, is to escape this encounter without getting the dreaded “ticket”. If you follow the simple steps below, you should be able to survive this encounter with a minimum of jail time.

1. Never argue with the officer. I know that your co-workers and brother in law told you how easy it is to talk your way out of any ticket but the fact is you can’t win and if things get heated you could end up as the lead story on the six o’clock news. Not great for job security or scoring points with the family.
2. Always try to pull over in front of a donut shop. It’s true that cops like donuts and the temptation of a tasty confection just might cause him to hastily write you a warning instead of a ticket in order to quickly satisfy his craving. Warning-try this tactic with only portly officers since a svelte cop might resent the temptation and actually ADD dollars to your fine. Never mind-there are no svelte police officers.
3. Never try to “make a run for it.” This always works in the movies and on TV but never in real life. You will just probably wreck your car, maybe get shot and, if you do get away, just end up getting pulled out of your house later on that night in your underwear and be the feature on the next episode of “COPS”.
4. Always resist the temptation to bribe the officer with cash. This could really end up costing you, especially if the cop takes your money and STILL writes you a ticket.
5. Never try to make up a story as an excuse for your indiscretion. Stories about a pregnant wife, sick child and “emergency” at work will not get you anywhere and probably will just agitate the cop even more. On the other hand, if you can convince him that you are on your way to get “hot donuts now” you might catch a break and make a new friend as well.
6. Finally, you might think that you could loosen up the officer by cracking a few jokes. Not smart. Cops have no sense of humor. In addition, in most states it is a felony to make people listen to lame jokes. Well, at least it should be.

As you can see, avoiding trouble when pulled over can be accomplished with minimal effort. In most cases all it takes is a cool head and a warm donut.