Grandparents are rarely at the centre of family life. Children belong to their parents who are responsible for their upbringing. It is all too easy for grandparents to be accused of meddling in matters that don’t concern them and angry parents can refuse to allow them to see their grandchildren. Of course, these grandparents can ask the courts in to make arrangements for them to see their grandchildren regularly. But the judge won’t worry about the biological relationship and will give the same consideration to a step grandparent or even to someone who is not related to either parent. Many grandparents think this is very unfair but a judge is likely to believe that the quality of the relationship between the adult and the child is far more important than genetics. It’s also important to remember that court action may do nothing to alleviate the bitterness of family quarrels or prevent a parent from continuing to obstruct the court’s wishes. As many grandparents have discovered a successful day in court can prove a hollow triumph.

According to research conducted for the Grandparent Association, about 40 percent of the grandparents of divorced children lose all face-to-face contact with their grandchildren. Unsurprisingly, they are usually grandparents on father’s side of the family but this raises many questions. Did the grandchildren have a close relationship with their grandchildren when the couple was still together? Why isn’t father taking his children to visit his own parents? Does he also believe his children are better off without them? Surely a grandparent who has shown little or no interest in their grandchildren cannot expect to enter their lives and perhaps disrupt the life of the children’s new step parents and grandparents just because they can say, “These are our grandchildren. We have a right to get to know them”.

Relationships between the generations can be a minefield and grandparents who have done no wrong and who have had close and loving relationships with their grandchildren can become the innocent victims of family quarrels. This might be thought to be sufficient reason to give grandparents the rights. My right to a fair trial, freedom from slavery and torture, my right to marry and receive education apply to everyone with few if any exceptions. Should a right to contact with a grandchild be enforced in the same way? The law punishes those who seek to infringe our right but the courts are not good at coping with acrimonious family relationships. I wonder if mothers who refuse to let their children have access to their grandparents are imprisoned for contempt of court. If this has happened, I think we can agree it is not an ideal solution. In any case, parents can apply delaying tactics and find ways to undermine the court. Children may be made to write to their grandparents to tell them that they do not want to see them. Parents may write to the court claiming that that the grandparents have abused their child and a judge may not want to take the risk that the accusation is true. Going to court can make things worse and add to the bitterness of the warring parties.

Perhaps mediators and counsellors are better people to help parents and grandparents find a resolution to their problems. After a divorce, someone may need to spend some time talking to parents who just want to be bloody-minded and inflict as much damage as possible on their ex-partner’s family. They need to be reminded of their children’s needs and the financial, emotional and childcare support that loving grandparents can provide. Some grandparents, on the other hand, may need to be convinced that they should not pursue access to their grandchildren. We all have a right to a satisfactory family life but this should not include an automatic right for all grandparents to have regular contact with their grandchildren.