Being Frank: Can You Tell Them Like It Is?

Her face flushing with excitement, my friend rushed towards me after her maiden music concert at the local temple. “Tell me frankly, how was it?” I looked at her, wondering what to say. Could I tell her that her performance was mediocre, and that she was off-key while singing many of the compositions? Her eyes seemed to entreat, “Don’t say it wasn’t good, PLEASE.” I said smoothly, “You’re doing great Leela. It was wonderful!!” “Hope I didn’t go off-tune,” she asked pointedly, a bit more composed now.

I pressed her shoulders and smiled. “Come on, relax. That was your first concert. There’ll be more opportunities for improvement,” I said. Still, I didn’t answer her question directly.

Was I being smarmy and dishonest? After all, my friend had told me to be frank. Frankness means giving vent to your innermost feelings, without tact. You should be tactful and honest, and may be a little less frank. What is the point of criticism offered in the name of honesty, when such a criticism may not have the desired corrective effect ? I felt that I should voice my frank opinion later at a more opportune time when my friend would be more receptive to any criticism. I was afraid my intention of making her a better singer could possibly be thwarted by any untimely criticism; it might probably only make her sulky.

I am reminded of an ad for a toothpaste that used to appear in the television (Indian) a few years back. Two friends are out on a picnic with their wives. While one of the couples is having a great time, the other is not. So the woman having a fun time asks the other if anything was amiss. Yes, you guessed it;  it was bad breath that had nauseated the wife. Quick comes the advice : Don’t say anything. Just replace his usual toothpaste with the advertised product. And pat, everybody is cooing in the next shot.

Reflect before you blurt out frank assessments to people: are they deserving, and will they appreciate an honest opinion? When we are frank with undeserving people, we invite enmity and open our own vulnerabilites, which can only bring negativities all around.

When we criticize, we assume a very responsible role —the authority to judge and validate other’s achievements. The person at the receiving end is disarmed and vulnerable; our negative judgment can catapult their own insecurities to the surface and push their defensive buttons. Even if they pretend not to be upset, in all probability, they are; for, who doesn’t want to feel good about themselves? Their first reaction will be to question our competence, and even if that attribute passes the test, they’d still feel bad about their fate or bad luck that had led to the misfortune of having to listen to harsh, or possibly inappropriate, criticism.

Is such a stand unjustified? Not necessarily. Indeed, there are people who spurt out “truths” out of hurt, jealousy, or malice, and not out of concern for their welfare. Such criticism would lead to all-round negativity.

For anyone to examine our criticism rationally and dispassionately, you must win their trust in our judgment and sense of fair play.

Does it mean we should never be frank?

Frankness is a prerequisite for clear and uncomplicated social relationships. Though it may be annoying momentarily, frankness elicits reciprocal truthfulness from others as well. Frankness paves the way for strong relationships. When friends drop their reserve, the friendship deepens. We know how to meet each other’s needs, and how to fulfill each other’s dreams.

Most people fear frankness will lead to conflict and see it as something to avoid. Handled the right way in the right, congenial setting, conflict can be beneficial, because that eventually paves the way for changes to be made – at work and at home.

That’s why I love the following prayer and its acute wisdom.

“God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”