Changing Negative Emotions Into Creative Energy

I have negative emotions deeply rooted in my family background. I was born in Indonesia. My parents have five children. My only brother is their eldest son. He is the crown prince of the family. He has three younger sisters and I am the youngest son. Like any other Asian nations the values in my family are unjust. Values of my family are very feudalistic and not democratic at all. My father is the king of the family. The best things in the family are dedicated to the king. The king, the queen and the crown prince can do no wrong. There is no wrong decisions. If there something went wrong, the younger brother or sisters or servants must bear the blame. The king, the queen and the crown prince have many rights and little obligations. Among their rights are respects and power. All members of the family and the servants must obey and respect them. Any disobedience will be considered as great sin and therefore must be punished. Obligations of the king and the queen are clear but the crown prince’s obligations are not. The king must find provisions for the family while the queen must manage the day to day operations of the household. The crown prince, on the other hand, just enjoy the respects and obedience of his subordinates.

As time went by, my eldest brother became a navy officer while I am a civilian. Then some years later I ran handicraft business but unfortunately I went bankrupt. Consequently the whole family treated us differently. Once a year Indonesians celebrate Idul Fthri at the end of Ramadhan. It is a religious event as well as a family reunion. Every year the whole family get together in our home town Magelang. But the best room in my parents’ house is for my big brother. So is the best food.

The discrimination is not only for me but also for my children. Even my sisters treated us discriminatively. Once my sister celebrated her daughter’s birthday. She invited my family. As we were there we were very surprised because my daughters had to help them in the kitchen while her daughters enjoy the party. The children of my brother, on the other hand, are treated as VIP guests. The list is endless. I can write maybe one thousand pages of bad treatment to me and my family.

All those bad experiences made me feel disappointed. I try not to hate them but I cannot deny that the negative emotions exist in my heart. Sometimes I got mad at them. Sometimes I have anger in my heart. And because I feel it since childhood I think that the negative feeling creates difficulty to me. I become an introvert man. I find diificulty to communicate well with others. I am not completely a loner but I am not a popular person either. So I am in between. Maybe I suffer from personality disorder. I am not sure I am not a psychologist.

Finally when I was broke I got an idea to translate books and then I developed my ideas to write. I write articles and books. I have written many articles and two books. Now I prepare a novel about Indonesian politics. The inspiration come from situation of my family. I consider similarities between a family and a country.

Writing gives me satisfaction. I really enjoy the flow of ideas. Whenever I got an idea that can come anytime, I immediately write it. Some of these ideas are not valuable for others but for me they are special because I feel relief after that. Writing is exhilarating to me. When I received my first payment it was another satisfaction. It was not big money but I felt very satisfied. Everytime I go to book fair and book stores and take a look at my books being displayed I feel very proud. Once a friend asked me to sign on his book. I was a surprise because I am just an ordinary writer. I enjoy both the process and the result. So I believe that writing makes me healthier emotionally.