Destructive and Constructive Conflict

Conflict is a serious occurrence in the course of every interpersonal relationship between spouses, family members, co-workers, teachers, neighbors, etc. In our text Interpersonal Conflict, Wilmot and Hocker states, “Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals” (2007 p. 9). Factually speaking, Communication plays a major role in destructive and constructive conflict.

One factor communication play that initiates destructive conflict is criticizing. Conflict interaction with others we are interdependent with can be destructive depending on many factors. One for example, you criticize your daughter for not cleaning her room and respond critically saying, “ You are such a slob! Why can’t you clean up this fitly room?” It is better to say, “ I don’t like it when you keep a messy room.” Instead of using a destructive complaint as if something is wrong with the other person one must use a constructive complaint to describe the problem (Wilmot and Hocker 2007, p.17).

A second factor communication play that initiates destructive conflict is defensiveness. People use defensiveness communication to protect themselves from personal responsibility, pain, fear, or new information. Defensive techniques will usually include mockery and making an effort to return insults and emotional injuries you feel you is necessary. Instead one must use neutral and non-blaming language by listening to what the other person have to say and communicate honestly free of deception initiating constructive conflict (Wilmot and Hocker 2007, pp. 18 -19).

A third factor communication play that initiates destructive conflict is stonewalling. When one person withdraws from the discussion stonewalling take place. Frequently, the person engaged gives all sorts of nonverbal and verbal cues that point out their involvement. By maintaining a stiff neck and frozen facial features, and glancing to see what the other person is doing, then briefly mumble mockingly, “yea, right,” and immediately glances away showing in every possible way that they are not there. Holding back though, is a less form destructive of stonewalling because may be uncomfortable with the conversation and may sense hostility (Wilmot and Hocker 2007, p. 19).

A fourth factor communication play initiating destructive conflict is contempt. In reference to married couples and destructive conflict, Utah State University article online, Communication, Conflict & Commitment states,

Contempt – This involves intense and intentional negative thoughts about your partner. They may be thoughts you keep to yourself or that you actually say to your partner or others. They include things like put-downs, mean jokes, name calling, or belittling your partner in any way (Utah State University, 2008).