Jealousy is a timid sneaky little critter that lives inside of all of us, and has capabilities far beyond our wildest imagination.  I call it timid and sneaky because it rarely speaks any louder than a whisper in your ear.  The many faces of jealousy are almost too numerous to mention without going into a book length volume.  A few of the common jealousies are, of course, in almost every article ever written concerning relationships. Also of note – jealousy of your boss, jealousy of the pretty girl on the bus, jealousy of your best friends wardrobe, jealousy of your ex-boyfriends bank account…

Jealousy is the little green monster that our mothers and grandmothers spoke about in hushed tones. But, as with many “frenemies”, jealousy too can be handled.  If you are really good, and really strong, you can actually squash that little bugger so hard there is nothing left but a green stain on the carpet.

First off, let’s lay it out on the table…anyone who claims they are not, nor ever have been, jealous of anything or anyone is probably telling a fib about the size of the Grand Canyon.  One has only to look at the stupid video and print campaigns of the newest “happy dance” lottery winner to know what I am saying.  Come on, admit it, aren’t some of those people just about the biggest, ugliest nerds you have ever seen?  By the way, if you are one of those nerds, forgive these scathing words of mine (and, oh, by the way, yes – I am single, my telephone number is…).

You have never looked at someone (sometimes a close family member or even your best friend) with a little green tint to your glance?  You have never wondered why your beautiful, intelligent, warm & fuzzy self didn’t come packaged in just a bit higher class, shinier, spiffier gift wrap?  You’ve never wondered why people can’t see & understand why you think the red print on your bank statement actually compliments that cold black print, and is indeed, a fashion statement?

Only once we have matured (and most of us are still on that highway) can we begin to deal with jealousy with forsight, intellegence and yes, even humour on occasion.  My decision on how to handle my little green pet was to make friends first, and then humanize the little devil in a bid to keep him on my side.  This is of course, based on the age old premise of keeping your friends close and your enemies even closer.  Give your little monster a name (mine is Billy Bob), and then learn to dialogue back and forth whenever you feel him making a move. As in – “Billy Bob, you little devil you; My ex is NOT seeing a big fat blob of lard, he is merely dating a “lady” who happens to be horizontally challenged. And, it is NOT HER FAULT that she has the intelligence level of a tse-tse fly. And just because she was probably too fat to plow through the snowbanks we all faced during our five mile trek to school is no reason to mock her grade five education level. Oh, my dear Billy Bob, she probably WILL NOT roll over in her sleep and crush him to death. Where, oh where, do you get these ideas from Billy Bob?

I will tell you just one more time Billy Bob, I AM TRULY happy and excited for the latest ten million dollar lottery winner. It DOES NOT matter to me that she doesn’t deserve that money even half as much as I do. Yes, Billy Bob, I KNOW you have to buy tickets to win, but you know that I am one of those super intelligent people who recognize the really lousy odds of winning and thus prefer to spend my hard earned cash elsewhere.

Yes siree, my Billy Bob will probably live a long and fruitful life and will never become a squashed green glob for a couple of reasons.  One, I don’t know of a carpet cleaner strong enought to clean green gooey slime from my beautiful new living room carpet. And secondly, what if he didn’t die; what if he just got hurt a little bit and the recovered and came back with a vengeance looking for retaliation?  He knows far too many of my deepest secrets to take that chance, so for now, I think I’ll just stay friends with my Billy Bob.