Life After Abuse: Rites of Passage
by This is part of a series discussing the long term effects of abuse upon victims and survivors. This article discusses the necessity of honoring the experience and the changes that follow once you have left the abuse.
It is important for the survivor or victim to have a primary role in the development of a ritual. They are the primary focus and recognizing them in their efforts is the objective. It may be that they prefer to have separate rituals to address the different elements that come together in their recovery process. In my own situation, I gathered virtually everything that my abuser (an ex-boyfriend) had given me and thrown it away. This may not seem to be a symbolic act, but it helped to make the severed tie between him and I more real in my eyes. It was immensely satisfying and liberating to take the miscellaneous things he had given me and the box of correspondence (which had become quite full over the course of that two and a half year relationship) and to drop them into a big, black plastic garbage bag. I will remember until my dying day the feeling of freedom that came from the simple act of putting that garbage bag out with the rest of the household garbage to be taken away. For another person, it may be burning the pictures that they have of their abuser or burning an effigy. Either way, the symbolic act of cutting the tie between the abuser and survivor and/or victim is an intensely powerful one.
In the same respect, a symbolic act representing reclaiming one’s identity and sense of self is vital as well. Just as it is important to fully recognize that one has left the abuser’s sphere of influence, it is important to fully recognize that one is an independent entity from the abuser or the abuse. This recognition and taking the time to honor yourself allows you to establish firm footing beneath you as you proceed forward in your recovery. At times, it may be difficult to push forward, especially when the emotional challenges of abuse recovery are overwhelming. Having the memory and meaning of the ritual act of separating yourself from the abuser and the abuse helps to give a bulwark against falling back into the patterns of behavior that were serving to support the abusive relationship.
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