Middle Life Crisis

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Why was Mary Magdalene a prostitute? I cannot recall at this time, why scholars of many years build a church where women are torn down, but only the Virgin Mary is pure. What was her last name? What is the last name of Joesph?

Men seek and see so many things and not for once seek and see themselves. They seek and try to show so many others what they themselves are so afraid to see. They destroy what they do not understand. They destroy what they fear. Basking in a greedy hollow while displaying a pseudo image of chivalry, righteousness and compassion…leaving that part of you that wholly sought acceptance in a cold, cold stance praying and hoping for deliverance.

I, myself have lived in fear, but now am ready to take ownership over what is promised to me. I love God. When I am not lost in some prayer of love and life and health, I am seeking something real and strengthening within myself.

Today, I started thinking of how much pain I have experienced. I remembered that a kismet old woman, Alice, told me that I needed to slow down. I would if I could get the hymns out of my head. Yet, sometimes when they leave, I wish they stay always. Angels singing to me; they are the company of the Lord. They see me and they seek me.

Have you sat and not saw? Have you came to life and wondered “what is this for?” This life you choose to live; all made by decisions from you yourself have chosen! Wonder in what quantum dimension do you perform the opposite task and land in a field of dreams instead of a pit of despair?

What I remember most about my journey is those whom has contributed to my despair. I shall take what I saw of their hollow greed and pseudo images and learn from them. Dare I use it against them. Hold my head high as I await vengeance from my God upon them, and all the while, teaching and convincing myself to forgive them. Even forgive those who painted me in the image of a misrepresented Magdalene…and those who placed me on a pedal so high so they could rip me down with contemptment.

Now, I know if I don’t do this, no one will do it for me. Only I know what I want. I want to go to school to gather more knowledge, but how? I want to go and see the life I was afraid to embrace. I want to know that no matter what, God! will give me a greatest way to go on. Life for me will not end in a cold whithered apartment where I accidentally overdosed. Oh…my middle life crisis.

This journey will end with me on my watery lakeside home with paint and canvas and beautiful, beautiful landscaping with a man whose whole life will revolve around GOD and me and our children. And he will build that home ecological sound and love me daily and rest and swim, always, in a beautiful pool and lake. I know this to be true.

God is telling me so. It is already lain ahead of my spirit.

So I will live in this no matter what..I will live in this…