“Respect” for the Stay-at-Home Dad
by A few of the trials and tribulations of my neighbor, who stays home with his four children so that his wife can work. A complaint about the unconscious prejudices directed toward stay-at-home fathers.
Ken continued to apply for jobs, but with no luck, but Darlene drew the attention of management in her store, and was regularly promoted. Within a year, Darlene was a manager, and making enough money that Ken did not have to work in order to pay the bills. Since Darlene was obviously far more employable than Ken, and the baby was still very frail, as many premature babies are, Ken opted to stop looking for work and stay home to take care of his baby. Ken chose to give up his career for his family. His priorities include family being more important than almost anything else. Ken had no idea of the emotional conflicts that would arise from his choice.
Why Staying Home is Harder for Fathers
Men naturally want to support their families. In a man’s mind, this typically means being the bread-winner, the one who goes out and comes back with the things his family needs. In our society, it is often a source of shame for a man to be out of work. Women are under a decent amount of pressure to get and keep a job and preferably a career despite children and family responsibilities these days, but the pressure for a man is much, much worse. Ken’s extended family was not willing to help him with the baby, and made frequent comments asking when he was going to get a job. His landlord kept suggesting that he needed to “be a man” and go work so that Darlene could come back home. His friends kept encouraging him not to stop looking for work, and tried to be helpful by suggesting new open positions at their own places of employment. Absolutely no respect was given for Ken’s choice to stay home.
Ken does not have a husband who comes home and helps him to get the kids back in line at the end of a day if he needs help. Darlene does help some with the household chores, but Ken does most of them. Ken does not have access to other male friends during the day to relieve the stress via phone, internet, or otherwise. Ken does not have access to other friends much of the time at night because of cooking and bathing children, making sure homework is done. When Ken goes shopping during the day with his, now four year old, son he draws attention and strange looks from the other shoppers and the cashiers. He has found it very difficult to keep his own sense of self-respect given the environment and expectations around him.
The internal pressures and external pressures both add up to a very difficult and emotional time for Ken. Just like many stay-at-home Moms, he feels that he has no break, no moment of time for himself when he needs it. Just like many stay-at-home Moms, he feels the derision of others when they automatically assume that he is unskilled at any useful work. (In fact, he was certified as a small engines mechanic and went to school for electronics.) In addition, he has to fight the social stereotypes that imply that he must be somehow less of a man for not being the major breadwinner of the family.
I believe that his choice makes him more of a man. He is willing to make the best choices for the overall health of his family, regardless of the disrespect that others give him for these decisions. More men should be as determined and concerned for his family as Ken is, regardless of their employment status. People in general need to learn to respect such choices and roles, even, and perhaps especially in men.
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