Survival Tools for SAHMs (Stay-at-Home Moms)

SAHMs (Stay-At-Home-Moms): what an acronym! It’s pronounceable (just barely), but
the simple, four-letter “word” doesn’t come close to the reality! There’s nothing simple
about making the decision to become a SAHM. It is, in fact, a CHOICE, and must be
carefully weighed like any other major decision.

When I first made the decision to become a SAHM, it was long before the acronym
was coined and at a time when society was pushing strongly in the opposite
direction. In my profession at that place and time, educators were required to attain a
Master’s Degree in order to stay employable, so I achieved my degree and promptly
quit my job a few months later when my first child was on the way.

An educated,
responsible woman should be
taking her place to help support her family, I was told repeatedly. And what about all
of the time and money spent earning that degree?? Friends questioned my
professional commitment (why would I leave a good, stable job?) and my sanity (what
would I DO in the house all day with a baby for
company??). Acquaintances even went so far as to question my plans for the future
(So…after the kid is in school, where do you plan to work?). Never had I felt so
out-of-place with the spouses of my husband’s co-workers. Without the commonality
of comparing notes on professions and job circumstances, I was at a loss for small
talk. Not only was I faced with budgeting a single income for extra people, but I also
found myself needing to acquire a whole new social identity. Does any of this sound
familiar?

Quite frankly, it was a good year or two before I found my “sea legs,” so to speak, and
became comfortable with my new role. Now, from the vantage point of thirteen years
as a Stay-At-Home Mom, I can offer pointers in the form of what worked for me. My
lifelines to sanity, particularly during the baby/toddler years (all 8 of them…years, not
toddlers!) came in three general categories. My hope is that by sharing these, another
SAHM might find a rope to hang on to long enough to preserve her sanity and
commitment to an honorable profession, or at least make a sound decision for her
own circumstances. And I suppose I should point out at this juncture that I’m not
intentionally being sexist…I realize there are Stay-At-Home Dads out there as well. I
just can’t speak to them from personal experience!

My first lifeline came in the form of new social relationships.

It
took a little time, but I sought out and found other moms with children of similar ages
to mine for companionship. My church afforded several contacts, as did a Bible study
group. Perhaps the best place I looked for company was the local hang-outs for little
tykes…you know, the places where parents only go because the kids love to be there.
Fast food restaurants with playgrounds, pizza kid paradises, the little tables at the
mall Food Court, the school playground, and the kiddie pool all had
their moments, and lo and behold! There were the other moms, shepherding their little
ones around! The kids were doing what comes naturally, and the adults were taking
the opportunity for conversation where every sentence doesn’t begin with “NO!” Other
places I found to meet other moms were the local library’s and bookstore’s story
hours.

Relationships deepened as we met week after week, and a few of us formed
playgroups or made play appointments for our children. Those friendships are active
even now that our children are teens!

Another lifeline is time to yourself.

This sanity-saver is so important that you should
consider even hiring a sitter if needed to get away sometimes. Perhaps your spouse
will give you a “mom’s night out” every week or two. Maybe a friend or relative will help
out. Some day care providers will take children once in a while without requiring daily
attendance. Perhaps you can find an area church that sponsors a weekly program for
children, or maybe you can start a neighborhood co-op childcare system.

Another
idea is to find a responsible, young teen and teach that person to care for young
children by hiring them as a “mother’s helper.” They have the benefit of more
supervision and training
as you teach them the ins and outs of childcare and slowly increase their
responsibilities with your children, and you have the freedom as they learn and grow in
their skills to complete household projects or relax in a different room. You’re still
close at hand for emergencies and to supervise as much as you need to, and sooner
or later you end up with a sitter that knows exactly how to take care of your little one.
Not a bad deal for a sanity-saver!

The third lifeline I discovered is to maintain hobbies or other interests during this
period as much as possible.

Read, sew, play an instrument, whatever you enjoy! You
can take some moments during nap times at first to eke out this precious time. When
the kids are old enough to play without sticking things in light sockets or eating small
objects, try setting a timer for short periods and telling the youngsters, “When the
timer goes off, I will play with just you. This is mommy’s time right now.” And
then keep your word. I spent many, many days when the kids were young and
wanting more attention than I had energy to give being guided by that timer. Each
time it went off, I changed focus from adult to kid activities. The benefits were that the
kids learned to occupy themselves, and I didn’t get lost in my projects to the point
that I missed precious time playing with them, which was why I stayed home in the
first place.

And that brings me to the final lifeline…keep your focus.

When you decide to stay
home and raise the kids, do that. They benefit most from your time and attention,
especially when they are young. Play with them, read to them, teach them, cook with
them, and make them a part of your life. Keeping my focus has led me to believe that
I’m not going to be done with this “mommy” job as quickly as I thought. The original
plan for our family was for me to return to work “after the kids were launched” which I
was mentally defining as “in school full time.” I am a teacher by trade, and so would
have a very similar schedule to theirs. As they have grown, however, I’ve noticed that
their need for their SAHM is not diminishing. I see scary statistics on teens who are
“latch-key” kids (that’s a whole “nother article) and thank God that I have the
opportunity to see this little project through, at least for now.

I wouldn’t presume to try
to make this decision for everyone, and I’m very glad our society offers choices about
this matter so we can each follow our consciences. However, after thirteen years as a
SAHM, I can say with confidence that I did the right thing for me and my family.

Best
wishes on your decision, whatever that may be!