The Hipster’s Pocket Survival Guide: Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Ports of Call

Remember in Shaun of the Dead when they decided that the best place to go after an invasion of zombies was to the pub? Of course you don’t – you were too busy watching Donnie Darko for the 300th time. Well, in Shaun of the Dead, the two main characters’ solution to survive was to go some place familiar, comforting and for that reason, surmised to be “safe”. The pub was not the safest place to be, as the intrepid heroes found out, and so should you avoid places that seem safe simply because of a sense of familiarity and the promise of comfort.

Eventually, if you move long and far enough, you’re going to run across remnants of civilization that will stretch out the addictive promise of “going back to the way things were”. Realize this for what it is: escapism.  You can’t go back – home doesn’t exist anymore. The corner coffee shop doesn’t exist, your loft doesn’t exist, your favorite bodega doesn’t exist – your loved ones may not exist (I’m sorry). Involve yourself too often with civilization and you’re likely to be snared by it.

Farms are a rather frequent occurrence in the countryside and they may or may not be occupied. Approach farms, especially those with crops, with extreme caution. Farmers tend to have guns and do not look kindly to people on their land. Besides a man with a gun is liable to use it.

Scout farms in the following way – look for signs of movement, look for signs of crops growing, look for smoke from chimneys or furnaces, look for light in windows, look for recent footprints. If the farm appears presently in use, move on. If you need to steal, leave something of value if you can to replace it. Remember that whomever is in the farm is likely just trying to survive in their own way.

Farmers may be friendly if you’re lucky, but should only be called upon in times of utter necessity such as life threatening injury. Do not attempt to use a farm as shelter when fleeing because doing so will be anticipated and will likely incriminate the farmers themselves. Be conscientious.

Similarly, small populated villages and towns will be likely frequent enough that you’ll have to learn to avoid them. Those people in the town will likely be under the indirect authority of an agency that you cannot trust. Abandoned towns on the other hand are often a treasure-trove of usable goods and supplies. An abandoned town should be entered with caution lest you expose yourself to traps and disease. Most towns have hardware stores which you can get simple durable supplies from – most have markets you may be able to scavenge for food, vitamins (including coffee) and medicines (including antibiotics and pain medications).

Try to leave as little trace of yourself as possible and don’t waste your time with mindless destruction of property. The noise and potential fallout could likely increase the amount of pressure on you.

Military bases or camps will be less frequent but likely the most dangerous places of all and should be avoided with as much distance as possible. Keep an eye out for likely military installations by scanning the sky – planes or helicopters all coming or going in the same direction may indicate its location and where you should not go.

Most places on earth are likely to be covered with roads – either a grid or irregular network – but all are places to be wary of. Roads offer long lengths of observable terrain and will only be frequented by people likely hostile to you – try to keep off well-traveled paths to avoid being stumbled upon unexpectedly. If you have to move quickly a road can be used, but never safely. If you have to follow a road, try to move parallel to it using cover.