What Being in The Lifestyle Means to Me
Say the word “lifestyle” in the context of sex and most people automatically conjure up visions of couples throwing their keys into a bowl. Some may even remember the movie “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice”. Some portions of both iconic visions are based in reality. However, for many who participate in an alternative lifestyle as it pertains to sex and relationships, it is an expression of fun rather than forced chance.
Once again, I find myself writing an opinion piece. This bit of written thought was brought about by a conversation within the forums in recent days. I felt the need to explain a bit about the lifestyle (or swinging as most think of it) and why it works for me and others like me.
A good portion of the population of this planet practices monogamy. One partner, one love and no outside sexual experiences. It has been my own experience that this works for many but not all. Time and again I’ve seen too many couples where one is deeply committed to the practice of monogamy while the other has urges to seek outside sexual stimuli. Instead of confiding this desire to the monogamous inclined one of the couple, they secretly satisify these urges. Inevitable, the cheater is found out and the results are disasterous.
For me, to be able to participate in a sexual lifestyle that involves recreational sex outside of the circle of two, one has to be free of jealous tendencies and needs to think of the lifestyle experience as one of recreation, no procreation or love. You’ll find that a lot of sites catering to swinging will state the most important factor is to be in a committed relationship – one that has “stood the test of time”, so to speak. In my experiences, nothing could be further from the truth. The number of long-term committed and previously monogamous relationships that have ended in divorce simply by introducing themselves into the swinging experience that I have had acquaintances with is rather large. Most of these separations had one thing in common – jealousy.
There is nothing inherently wrong with jealousy. But not everyone experiences this feeling. I am one of those who does not suffer this particular emotion. I believe it has to do with exactly how one thinks about swinging and how it pertains to oneself and one’s partner.
Simply put, the experience of swinging or participating in a sexually alternative lifestyle is best thought of as joining any other club or organization with your significant other. If you and your partner enjoy motorcycles, you may join a local biker club and participate in the activities involved with this club. The same idea applies for joining a swinger or lifestyle club. Sex in this case is merely a fun activity that comes with the membership of that club. It is not an expression of love, rather an expression of fun.
This is in no way an advertisement for the reader to join a local lifestyle organization. Not many individuals or couples can cope with changing the normal mindset of sex being an expression of love and procreation to one of pure fun and experience only. I simply wished to put out a few thoughts to the reading world on what being in the lifestyle can mean to one person who has experienced it.
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User Comments
Sourav
On October 29, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Good and interesting article!
Leonardo davinci Evans
On October 29, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Just, breaking agreements on how to proceed is unethical.
glamorousamanda
On October 29, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Renee,
A wonderfully thought out and well written piece of work; dead on with the truth regarding any type of “alternative lifestyles”. This is NOT a lifestyle choice for everyone and it must be thought about in “full” prior to any couple wishing to “dabble” in any type due to the serious repercussions that *can* follow.
Myself, in the BDSM alternative lifestyle, there are so many written and unwritten rules that are involved; similarities, of course to that of swinging, but much more detailed and involved (expecially when one makes the conscience switch from B/D to S/M as I have in some experiences.) My partner, a wonderful man; allows me to participate in sexual relationships with men who he chooses — respecting of his rules, I do so with his limitation of “moderation” which we have agreed to as a couple. He understands completely it is just sexual play, no love and no underlining feelings; just hardcore blissful sizzling sinful sexual fun. It works for us; and it reflects the solid bond of our relationship, as I believe a relationship is 100/100 from both partners. We are not in a “stood the test of time” relationship, but one of a mere two years; however with honest, open, transparent communication we have built a relationship that I believe is much better then one that has “stood the test of time”. It works for me, but most of all it works for US, as I am the jealous type who could not fathom the idea of him and another female; he has no desire for another female — his feelings is gained from the actions with the female he puts full trust within thus I have no guilt as it “erects” happiness for him.
I have, like you, seen so many new comers “dabble” in a “fantasy dream” and have severe relationship issues; due to that one single word “jealousy”. For example a friend of mine came to me two months ago and I told her explicitly “think your choice through because it may lead to severe issues with your marriage. This is not something that should be acted upon without full consideration of risks before, during, and after.” When I told her I told her of the feelings that may come after the fact and she acted on a greedy “want” and their marriage has suffered — it was her idea and it was her that developed extremely deranged “you are not leaving the house without me now” jealous feelings.
I suffer from a great deal of people who judge me and my partner for our choice; because they believe monogamy is the way it should be — this is the twenty-first century that isn’t the case for *some*. I do not discriminate against their relationship yet have been slandered in the ground for what kinks I’m into as I’m sure you have as well. I look to these people who rule their world by monogamy and I see perfect relationships at times, faltering relationships, and in some cases I see one of the partners in a secret lusty sexual affair, internet affair, or secretly desiring for “more” — as you wrote about.
Kudos for a great article a very true point of view
Amanda
Guy Hogan
On October 29, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Thanks for the insight. I wondered how these things worked.
Renee Hendricks
On October 29, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Thanks to all for the comments. I may try in the next week or so to come up with another article that goes into more detail. I think there is a lot of misconception regarding people who participate in the lifestyle – i.e. the women are easy and anyone can get into their pants etc.
Darla Smith
On October 30, 2009 at 8:28 am
A very interesting article. Jealousy is something I’ve never had much of a problem with.
Peter Cimino
On November 7, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Incredible piece. You really have me intrigued about this. I really love your work and point of view!
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