Finding your true self, I know I have been told to and I never knew how. Well after trying so many different things I think that I may have accomplished that until a part of me changes again. When depression sets in so many people forget who they are. I know that I have been depressed and that the medications that have been prescribed haven’t helped all that much. So in the way of the Dodo bird I felt that the true self that use to be went extinct. What a lovely feeling when you no longer know who you really are.

I have written items for myself and I go over them once a month. Not just the ones from that one month all of the written pages that I have made. I make sure that I make notes of what I find. When I am happy sad and all of the other emotions that I have hit during the start of this wild ride trying to figure out my true self. I have worn masks that I created to protect me from criticism, and judgement. Masks that give me the confidence that I need and that give me an open appearance so that I don’t seem to frighten easy. That has been the main down fall in my search for my true self.

I have to remove those masks and look at what I am scared to look at. The person that I don’t like letting other people see. The person that I don’t think really has any baring on my life because the masks do so well. But I do that on a weekly basis because I know that if I don’t and that if I don’t expose the person under the masks then I will never know who I am. And those around me will never know who I am. If I don’t the masks that I wear will become the only thing that I know, the only thing that I trust.

Having to remove those masks that protect is hard and that is why I try to do that when no one is around. Even my husband has only been around once and was frightened to think that I am not really what he thought. Once I get all the masks off I look at all the insecurities that I have and why. Little by little I try to get past those so that maybe one day I will be able to walk in public without the masks that I hide behind.

It seems the masks really do work if you wear them right and that is what I fear. I very often am considered a drama queen, or a snob. You wouldn’t believe what the masks can do to a single life. When I need help I have to much of a hard time just saying that and that is where the judgements come in. Because the masks that I wear give me a composure that seems appropriate for the situation, once I really start to feel that I am losing the control I make subtle hints that I need help and they are viewed as something else. I won’t just say that I need help, ever.

Well, that is where I learned that I need to ask for help in finding my true self. That is where most people need help. Without what another person saying what they see, although hard to believe what they say, with the masks removed that is still what they see. That is their view and that should be cherished. That opinion should give you enough to try going out without the masks on to see if you get treated any differently. And if you don’t get treated differently make sure that you take it in the proper context in which it is. You might find that it is positive and that you start feeling more comfortable without the masks to hide behind. And yes just like smoking you may face something that you run for the masks again. But you need to remember that the masks aren’t helping, they are only delaying you and your true self.