A Closer Look at Speedos vs. Shorts

Alton Towers, the major tourist attraction in Staffordshire has gone to extreme measures to ‘prevent embarrassment among fellow members of the public and to maintain the family friendly atmosphere at the resort…’ and has banned speedos and all types of tight swimming shorts.

So, today, both my partner and I take a look at the pros and cons of speedos.  Most people believe that whether you wear speedos or not denotes your self confidence, your sexual orientation or the level you will go to to embarrass your teenage children.  In other parts of the world, wearing speedos is a given- high-rise, thong… we’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

We understand that for competitive swimmers, the speedo is a performance choice rather than one of fashion.  Michael Phelps could not have won his 14 Olympic gold medals in board shorts!

But the average man (or Brit at least) is programmed to fear the small pieces of spandex that fit snugly and leave nothing to the imagination.  Apparently this isn’t so for those men outside of Britain.  Just what is it that makes them choose the speedo over other types of trunk?  Perhaps it really is just that they have bigger balls than us! (Figuratively speaking, of course).

The cons of Speedos

• The token fool who lets it all hang out.  If you’re going to embrace the speedo, you MUST have a toned body, plain and simple.  We’ve all seen the guy on the beach, either with a larger frame in general or packing some extra weight in particular around the stomach and thighs.  It may be a different guy each year, but he’s always there.  Speedos are an unflattering fit on most guys so, please, spare us all if you do not have the body- even if you have the confidence.
• Speedos are not comfortable.  When it comes to choosing between tight spandex that hugs your jewels, or looser shorts with extra breathing room, there’s no competition!
• Speedos leave little to the imagination.  Just because men have no qualms about women wearing low-rise and low-cut bikinis on the beach doesn’t mean women, or even men, would like to see a man’s package on display.

The pros of Speedos

• Speedos allow for a greater range of motion.  At least for swimmers they do.  If you are serious about swimming on holiday, pack a pair of speedos- much easier than carrying the added bulk of loose shorts in the water.
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  Speedos give a better tan line.  The tan you would get from below the knee shorts are not half as attractive as a tan ALL the way up your leg.

• Speedos dry faster.  Speedos are made of less material than trunks and are often made of quick-drying nylon.

The answer is:  ‘When in Rome…’ copy the locals and pull on the speedos.  Anywhere other than along the Mediterranean or South America, and you should spare everyone the embarrassment.  But if you are serious about swimming whilst on holiday, opt for speedos, since shorts seriously impeded your range of motion.

Worried that speedos will turn off the ladies?  Consider the other end of the scale- adolescent, mid-calf board shorts that blow up like a balloon as soon as they hit the water.  Anything that is too long will make your legs appear shorter anyway.

So what should you wear to be universally accepted?  I’d recommend trunks that fall mid-thigh in quick-drying nylon.  Keep colours and prints low key.  This seems to be accepted all over the world and strikes a balance between function and flattery.