Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last? Part Two

This is the second article in a two part series. In this article I will offer some solutions to the “nice guy” who is having trouble forming a lasting relationship. “Nice guys” can also be women, although this doesnt seem to occur very often.

STEP ONE

The easiest solution to the “nice guy” syndrome can also be the most difficult to implement. That is to learn to put yourself first. “Nice guys” are generally matyrs, that is they put everyone else first even when it is obviously detrimental to themselves.  I was a “nice guy” all my life until I finally learned this simple lesson. Now I’m still a nice guy, but I dont let people walk all over me anymore.  It may sound selfish to you at first, but I promise you that until you learn this, you will continue to experience the “nice guy” syndrome.  Being a martyr all the time can be a vicious circle….you probably feel best when you have “sacrificed” yourself in order to help someone else.  I’m not saying that helping others is a bad thing, I am saying that if helping someone else hurts you, then you need to find a different way to help.

LOVE OF SELF

The second part of the puzzle is actually part of the first step, loving yourself.  I have been in therapy for many years due to mental illness, and every therapist I have had has told me the same thing.If you don’t love yourself, how can you love someone else? Or if you do manage to find someone, it is usually someone who is carrying a lot of baggage and is very needy.  I am a former alcoholic, and as such I did some horrible things in my younger days. Ten years ago, I literally hated myself. It took a lot of patience, perserverance, and tears before I finally overcame it. Now I do love myself. I am not in a relationship at this time, but now it is because I now choose who  is suitable for me to date, and I’m no longer desperate to be validated by the love of another person.

HAVE FAITH

The third step of the process could arguably be the first step, it is to love God and trust him.  If you are an atheist or agnostic, choose any power greater than yourself. I started the process not believing in a god, I used my AA group as my higher power. Now I do have my own concept of God, and am a much happier person as a result.  It’s nice to know that the big guy(or gal) has my back, I couldnt have a more loyal friend.  Going to church is also a good place to meet women(or men) who have good morals and not nearly so much baggage as someone met in a bar.  Everyone has skeletons in their closet, but if you meet someone at church, the chances are that at least they are looking for solutions and not the problem.

LIFE OF THE PARTY

Sometimes “nice guys” are very shy introverted people, I know I sure was.  This is the easiest symptom to overcome. Simple force yourself to meet 5 new people at each party or event you go to.  At first this will be difficult, but with practice and diligence you will soon be a pro.  Ten years ago I was so shy that I would turn red whenever an attractive woman spoke to me. Now although I still feel uncomfortable sometimes, I am generally the life of the party. My friends know that if the conversation starts to lag, they can depend on me to get it going again.

There are many other ways to overcome the “nice guy” syndrome, I have just discussed a few. Try the things I have suggested, what do you have to lose?  If this article helps just one person to overcome his/her self-doubts then I will consider it a success. Please feel free to give me feedback on this topic, I would like to know whether it is helpful or not.