Domestic Violence: A Man’s Perspective

 Domestic abuse has to be one of the most destructive, humiliating acts of violence outside of rape. Physical, emotional, verbal, mental abuse…all of it is wrong. While some acts of physical abuse heal others lead to death. Acts of emotional, verbal and mental abuse linger on for years depleting one of their self-pride and esteem and as some of us know, this can lead to other problems. Acts of domestic violence can occur anywhere, not just in the home. It can be subtle or life threatening.

And you don’t have to share a home in order for assualt or abuse to be considered DV. If you are in or were in a relationship be it intimate, family, friends, former spouses, it’s still DV.

DV is a pattern, a wheel, of behaviors and traits – either physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and financial or some combination thereof between people who are or have been in an intimate relationship with each other. This is conduct meant to frighten, isolate, coerce, blame, or wound as one person in the relationship attempts to exercise power and control over the other.

DV moves from the verbal stage to a tension-building phase to the explosive stage and then the “honeymoon phase” in which the abuse will stop for a period of time and the abuser may appear to be remorseful. Some abusers can go from zero to pure rage then back to nice and then remorseful in 0.4 seconds flat all the while denying that their explosion was meant to intimidate or harm their victim. Some call it a moment of anger, normal anger and they never hesitate to blame you.

We are at an understanding of DV thanks to the pioneering efforts of battered women’s advocates who worked fearlessly and relentlessly to pave the way for the many programs and laws we have in place today.

However, the reality we now face is that DV is not only limited to women being abused by men. There are just as many female batterers as there are male. And some of them have been battered in the past and have now deteriorated from the role of victim to abuser.

Contrary to popular belief, DV is not a social or socio economic problem that is exclusive to a particular gender, race, sexual orientation or zip code. In other words, anyone can be a victim. The truth about domestic violence is dipped in stereotypes and myths that we must challenge and overcome if we intend to erradicate it from our communities. 

Myth: Only women are victims of domestic violence.

REALITY: Men can also be victims of domestic abuse. Read the latest statistics and see for yourself.

A client I once had told me this: “I never had her arrested for fear it would make me look like a punk. Each time I let her get away with it, it (the abuse) grew worse; the next attack was worse and eventually graduated to her pulling knives. She even used our daughter as a shield one day.”

MYTH: Male victims of domestic abuse are a rarity, more times than none, women are the victims of domestic violence and men are the perpetrators.

REALITY: Again, read the statistics.

MYTH: Women only use domestic violence in self-defense.

Likely Page BreakREALITY: This type of good or bad, in or out, all or nothing, black or white thinking is why we have so many myths related to domestic violence. When it comes to domestic violence, this type of thinking helps to perpetuate the myth that men are always the batterers and women are always victims. From professional knowledge, I know that men and women can both be aggressors and victims especially when no one person has more power and control in the relationship than the other. This is a rare event, but it does happen and is usually brought on by personal issues that eventually fizzle out.

MYTH: Women are more credible than men when reporting domestic violence. 

REALITY: With new and extensive training, police officers have become sharp at recognizing the difference between victim and abuser.

Minimizing female-initiated violence is just as debilitating to men as minimizing date rape was to women and have often meant that men’s experience of the violence is shrugged off or found not credible. There are many men who have lost their lives or been maimed by battering females.
I had a client once tell me: “My girlfriend stabbed me in my chest when I came to pick up my daughter for a visit. I had my mother with me and she was attacked. My girlfriend then told the police that she felt “threatened” by the presence of my mother and it “made her fear for her safety” so she “defended herself”……with a butcher knife and a baseball bat. My mother was 69-years-old with a heart condition; a frail woman who weighed 106 lbs at the time of the attack. She’s dead now.”

Another client confided in me that: “A woman I had sex with twice became attached and began stalking me. She flattened my tires, keyed not only my personal car, but my company car and then chased me up and down I10 one night swerving in and out of traffic.
WHen she was arrested, she told the police she had a drinking and drug problem and was “pushed over the edge” by my “headgames” and using her for sex and she “snapped.” The court ordered US to take classes. I was placed in a class for abusers. She went to rehab. I never fought her back, let alone assaulted her yet there I was in this batterers class with people telling me to admit to something I never did. Now I know how people who confess to crimes they never committed feel and why they do it: the mental torture and abuse from those within the system. She was never held responsible for her acts of violence and terrorism and three years later, she was arrested for stabbing a new boyfriend to death.”

MYTH: Because men are bigger and stronger than women, they cannot be victims of women’s domestic violence. 

REALITY: Yes, some men may be bigger and stronger, but keep in mind that a person who is 5′2″ with a propensity for violence and extremely angry can do a lot of damage to someone especially with the right tools as weapons. I have heard some men tell me they were stabbed, shot at, run down, stalked and one even had a woman hold him hostage by a petite woman or a woman that weighed significantly less than they did, but had a violent streak. Many of them required hospital visits.

Some men stated that they tried to leave and she prevented them from doing so by threatening to call the police herself and tell them that HE prevented her from dialing 911 and pushed HER…adding “who do you think they’re going to believe? You, a big man or little ol’ me?” The man stated that he gave up and gave in.

Abuse isn’t about size. You don’t need to be a certain size in order to gain the upper hand in violence. You don’t have to be tall or muscular to stab, shot or run down the object of your anger. All you need is the right weapon. Abuse is about a choice…power and control not size.

MYTH: A man must be weak or unmanly if he allows a woman to hit him.

REALITY: Sadly, boys are taught not to hit girls, not to be “wimps” or “cry like little girls.” Men are taught to quell their emotions and “man up” not to let on that they’re hurt. Crying or expressing emotion is considered unmanly. And let’s not get started on all the verbal abuse they get when they do talk about being abused.

One man told me: “My wife is police officer here. She’s on top of her game at the department. Who would believe me?”

Likely Page BreakIf a man blocks a woman’s hitting or defends himself or holds her to prevent her from hitting him, it could be considered assault on a female and when the police arrive, he just might end up in handcuffs. Because men have had it engrained in their brains that there is never any reason for them to hit a woman, it takes a lot of “strength” for a man to defend himself against a violent woman.

MYTH: If the abuse was that bad, he would leave.

REALITY: Leaving is often the most difficult undertaking for the abused no matter what your gender is. Leaving an abuser can be touch resource wise. Oftentimes the abuser has alienated their mate from support systems and family. They have cut-off or depleted monies thus making leaving a very tough, sometimes impossible event. Leaving can lead to more serious abuse, threats of suicide even homicide. Some abusers even threaten to hurt the children; anything to prevent being rejected.

Relationships start out fun and the love is abundant. Once the abuser feels comfortable and confidant, things begin to change. At first you find yourself rationalizing and minimizing the abusers behaviors and responses. Men who are being abused stay for the same reasons women do. Any reason you’ve heard a woman give for staying, a man has given.

Thank God times are changing and many shelters have accomadations in shelters for men.
If we are going to put an end to the myths that fuel domestic violence, we have to start by acknowledging that the battering goes both ways.

Recognize Domestic Abuse If You Are With Someone:

Domestic abuse occurs in several ways. Some batterers begin with emotional and psychological abuse and graduate to the physical once they feel that their mate will not do anything. Below are some signs you must watch out for:

Emotional Abuse: any attempt to hurt another person’s feelings through the expression of cruel and unnecessary comments including but not limited to:

Name-calling, insults, criticism, and ridicule either in private or in front of others
Making fun of an aspect of one’s identity (race, gender, class, ability, religion, etc)
Blame game

Psychological Abuse: any behavior, verbal or nonverbal, meant to cause mental and/or emotional anguish as a result of humiliation:

Threats of physical violence upon you and/or the people and things you love: pets or a personal item.
Threats of or attempts of suicide by abuser if one leaves or tries to end the relationship.
Threats to take away custody of the children
Isolating one from friends, family, activities
Threats of lies to the police, courts, friends, family
Any type of Stalking (”cyber stalking”as well)
Damaging personal property

Physical Abuse: any violent or forceful behavior used to injure or put another at risk of being injured:

Grabbing, Pushing, Biting, Spitting, Hitting, Kicking, Choking, Restraining

Sexual Abuse: any non-consensual sexual act or coercion that includes threats, implied or otherwise:

Rape, Sodomy
Sexual harassment
Forcing one to perform sexual acts or favors

Financial: any misuse of the monies or assets:

Withholding access to or stealing one’s financial resources such as money or credit cards
Preventing one from working a job or causing the loss of a job
Denying access to food, clothes, medication, health care, or shelter

Taking Steps to Leave

Do you suspect that you may be in an abusive relationship? Ask yourself these questions:

Likely Page Break• Do I walk around “on eggshells” worried about how my partner will react to something I say or do? • Has my partner ever thrown things at me or kicked, hit me?• Does my partner ailienate me from family, friends?• Does my partner become jealous when I speak to friends and family? • Does my partner call me names or put me down?• Does my partner l me I’m crazy when I bring up their lies or wrongdoings?• Do I do things I don’t want to do just to keep the peace?• Has my partner threatened to hurt the children, themselves or me if I leave?• Does my partner make excuses for their violence by saying is was because they were drunk or high?• Do they promise it won’t happen again and to get help but don’t?

If you answered yes to any of these, you really should seek help. Please reach out to your national domestic violence hotline for resources and counseling: Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men .1-888-7HELPLINE (743-5754)

I don’t care if you’re gay, bi-sexual or straight, you have a right to live a life free from abuse of any kind. Below, I have included telephone numbers for everyone and anyone in an abusive situation. The advocates at the help lines can assist you with creating a safety plan and discussing other options available to you.

Here are some links for men in abusive relationships:
Domestic Violence Resources For Men

Battered Men

Safe For All 

Battered Men

The Men’s Center
The Men’s Center: Father’s Rights

The Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project 1-800-832-1901

God bless you and may you find peace and strength.

Resources

1. www.apa.org/pi/wpo/battered_men.html
2. domesticviolenceresourcesformen.blogspot.com/
3. www.ncadv.org/